Happy Thanksgiving -- Really

Happy Thanksgiving!

This is a great holiday for a lot of reasons: great food, gathering with family and friends, spending time thinking about what you are truly thankful for, and no gift-giving stress. You can enjoy Thanksgiving without running around gathering presents, baskets of eggs or heart-shaped boxes of candy. It exists simply for us to share a meal and remember that no matter the hardships we may be facing, we are blessed to be Americans and to have love in our lives.

Princess #4 is hosting Thanksgiving this year, her first as a (kind of) newlywed. She's breaking out the wedding china and good silver and even making a turducken. Best of all, she actually spoke to MARTHA STEWART on the radio to get tips on making the perfect Thanksgiving meal. How cool is that? With St. Martha's blessing we can't lose. After dinner we'll play Rummy Royal for pennies, our traditional family game. There will be great food and drink and a lot of laughter. I can't wait. :-)

I do feel incredibly blessed. I hope you do, too.

Here is a little bit of a message President Obama sent to supporters earlier today, which I think is worth sharing:

"Our families are bound together through times of joy and times of grief. They shape us, support us, instill the values that guide us as individuals, and make possible all that we achieve.

So tomorrow, I'll be giving thanks for my family -- for all the wisdom, support, and love they have brought into my life.

We are grateful beyond words for the service and hard work of so many Americans who make our country great through their sacrifice. And this year, we know that far too many face a daily struggle that puts the comfort and security we all deserve painfully out of reach.

When we gather tomorrow, let us also use the occasion to renew our commitment to building a more peaceful and prosperous future that every American family can enjoy."

Amen, brother.

Dear Sarah Palin Fans, (this post is rated R)

THIS IS WHY WE HATE YOU:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/23/palin-supporters-struggle_n_367800.html

My blood is boiling right now. At first this video is funny, because the people standing in line to see Palin are so unbelievably stupid that you have to laugh. They're fucking hillbillies, talking about how great Sarah Palin is and how she's going to save America. But when asked exactly what she stands for...they have no idea.

One guy says that Sarah lives "across the street from Russia" so she knows foreign policy.

A woman says that as governor of Alaska, Sarah had "top security clearance, because if the borders are attacked she's in charge." WHAT?

Another lady says Sarah will "drill, baby, drill," for oil and gas! Really? Both OIL and GAS? Wow. That's great. So Sarah can just become the president and the drilling will begin immediately and end our dependence on foreign oil. Is that how you think it works? Fucking moron.

Then there's the guy who wants Palin to win in 2012 but concedes that she can't because "Obama is naturalizing all the illegal aliens right now" and there aren't enough white people to off-set those votes. Yep, they're gonna take over the election. Be very afraid. The best part is right at the end, where the guy says he gets all this great information from watching Fox News.

And then there's the guy who says that President Obama (YEAH, A BLACK MAN'S THE PRESIDENT YOU FUCKING HILLBILLY. GET OVER IT) wrote two books where he laid out all his ideas for ruining this country, including all of his "Marxist, Leninist and socialist ideas." Gee, did you actually READ those books? No, of course not. No places to color. Well I did. The first one was written in 1995 when he was right out of law school. It is about, and ONLY about, his family, his father, his path to knowing his African heritage, and trying to help the poor in Chicago. The other book, The Audacity of Hope, talks about his hopes and dreams for a stronger America, including chapters on faith, race, the Constitution and his goal of bi-partisan cooperation. Ooh, scary. And speaking of the Constitution, he knows and respects it. He taught Constitutional law, for Christ's sake. He knows more about the Constitution than you and me and 99% of the people in this country.

You can laugh at the morons - they're like a Saturday Night Live skit, for Christ's sake - but THESE PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO VOTE. That's terrifying. They have no idea what they're talking about or what Palin stands for or what the truth is. I know that this is the price we pay for living in a democracy, and believe me, I wouldn't change it for the world, but that doesn't mean this kind of thing doesn't make me sick to my stomach.

I feel a little better after ranting. Peace out.

The Politics of Penises and Pregnancies

An astute reader brought to my attention a new drug in the fight against a disease that afflicts an enormous number of men in America, causing untold pain, suffering and humiliation, and ruining families, marriages and lives. I am speaking, of course, about erectile dysfunction.

Yes, apparently having three choices of pills (Viagra, Levitra and Cialis), along with numerous homeopathic and surgical options, is not enough to combat the terror of limp dick syndrome. Now there is a new option, a pill called Avanafil. The manufacturer has released studies that show it works in 20-30 minutes, much faster than the other medicines. No more waiting, ladies!

I am not surprised, sadly, since BILLIONS of dollars are spent every year on research, production and distribution of dick pills. Seriously. I looked it up. $3.8 billion in sales alone, not including research and development. And more than half of insurance companies cover the pills.

So I am just going to sit back now and wait for Congress to debate the merits of health insurance coverage for erectile dysfunction remedies. I'm sure it will be a raucous debate, with all those conservatives insisting that there is no need to provide coverage for this unnecessary and elective medical intervention. Surely tax payer dollars should not be going to insurance companies that would pay for grandpa and grandma to get it on, or for some wrinkled old CEO to bang his secretary, or for some sex offender to get his jollies (this happens more than you think - Google it). That would be wrong and we won't stand for it.

(Crickets.)

Yeah, I know that's not going to happen. Why is it that a bunch of crabby old white men can get all up into our uteruses like they own the joint but impotence is a dirty word? Why doesn't a female Senator demand that no tax payer dollars go to treat erectile dysfunction? Why in the world is abortion - which is still legal, by the way - even coming into the discussion? Has no one figured out the the penis and the pregnancy are related? Apparently the Republican National Committee knows this because until this week the RNC's own health insurance covered abortions. You read that right - Michael Steele just found out about it and canceled that coverage, but it has been there since the early '90s.

So if the conservatives get their way, is the morning-after pill going to be covered for a rape victim? After all, Sarah Palin and her friends equate the morning-after pill to abortion. Did you know that Palin actually passed a law in Alaska that rape victims be charged for the cost of the rape kit used to collect evidence? Yes, I checked. She found out that the rape kit contains a pill to stop an impending pregnancy and she refused to use tax payer dollars for the kit, so now if you get raped in Alaska (which is more likely to occur than in any other state in the nation) you will receive an invoice from the state for the rape evidence kit. Nice, huh? Raped once by a thug and again by Sarah Palin.

Now, I'm not saying that abortion should be used as birth control. Birth control should be used as birth control. For every government dollar spent on birth control, $4 is saved in expenses related to unwanted pregnancies. But when birth control fails, rape or incest has occurred, or the mother's health (and yes, that includes mental health) is at risk, abortions should remain safe and legal.

I did not invent the opening description of erectile dysfunction for comic effect, although I could have. I took it from various men's health websites. Which helps me make this point: whether you like it or not, legal abortion counts as women's health care, just as much as Viagra counts as men's health care.

Bucher-McBride Divorce, Take Two

Paul Bucher has filed for divorce for a second time from conservative "family values" skank ho Jessica McBride. As you recall, her affair was the subject of my first blog post, and I updated the saga when he filed for divorce in September. (You can read those posts in the archives.) He withdrew the filing, and I speculated about the conditions he must have set to take her back. Well, either those conditions did not include "Don't have sex with other men," or she didn't quite grasp that he meant it.

Bucher has re-filed for divorce with the same request for primary custody of their 4-year old daughter (poor little thing) including child support and maintenance. (Maintenance? Isn't he an attorney? Is she making more than he does?)

Apparently the gloves are off, as Bucher went public with his story that he has "evidence" (I shudder to think what it is) that McBride and Milwaukee Police Chief Ed Flynn in fact did not end their affair, and had sex on September 14th. Pretty specific, there. I really wonder what he means by "evidence."

Anyway, the point of this post, other than glorious schadenfreude (look it up), is the rather disturbing way Bucher blames the infidelity on Flynn. Here's what he said to WTMJ, describing his confrontation with Flynn:

"He was somewhat taken aback," Bucher said. "I asked him if he thought having sexual contact and intercourse with my wife in September on the 14th was conducive to trying to solve my marriage problems and his marriage problems. He indicated it was not," Bucher said.

Bucher has now called for Chief Flynn to resign, "because he is a public official, I believe he needs to be held accountable." He added, "He has crushed our family."

Okay, "HE" has crushed your family? Did wifey-poo not have a part in this? It takes two to tango, dude. I do not buy the "confused little lady couldn't stand up to big brawny police officer" defense. She knew exactly what she was doing. She CHOSE to have sex with this man knowing full-well you were willing to give her a second chance. Since the alleged sex happened before his initial divorce filing and subsequent withdrawal, I'm thinking she begged his forgiveness claiming the affair had been over for months. When he found out otherwise, he gave up on the marriage.

Mayor Tom Barrett stands behind the police chief, as do the members of the Fire and Police Commission. The fact is, the crime rate has dropped every quarter since he was hired. We need that to continue. As morally wrong as an extra-marital affair may be, it is not illegal. What he did was not a criminal act, and I don't think it should be held against him as Chief of Police. However, and it's a big however, he needs to take care of this. Marriages can survive infidelity; they can even come out of it stronger. But you have to choose, Chief Flynn. Either put your dick back in your pants and end the distraction, or divorce your wife (who doesn't even live in this state, so how healthy is that relationship?) and move on. Same goes for McBride. Accept the fact that you are unwilling to remain faithful to your husband and move on. And the next time you feel the urge to write about "family values" and how much better you are than the rest of us, close the laptop and walk away. You have lost your credibility on that issue.

They did it AGAIN!

Only a week after Sean Hannity had to apologize for using old footage to manipulate the viewers, Faux News did AGAIN today!

Sarah Palin drew crowds in Michigan at a book signing, and Fox showed footage from a CAMPAIGN RALLY last year and said "here's the footage just coming in...look at those crowds!" Jesus Christ! What is with these people?! Who's cueing their footage, an intern from a school for the blind?

Meanwhile, MSNBC was broadcasting from the actual event, in a mall in Grand Rapids.

MSNBC: 1, Faux News: 0.

R.I.P. Hideous T-Shirt

My husband has a t-shirt that someone gave him to celebrate his Master's Degree. It is navy blue with white letters that say "Da Yoopers School for Da Truly Ungifted." Yeah, ha, ha, ha. I guess that was funny at one time. Anyway, the shirt has deteriorated to the point where there are huge holes under both arms, it has permanent stains of unknown origin, the hems along the neck and arms are shredded, the front is attached to the back by threads, and the holes along the collar are so big the tag just falls out the other side.

I hate this shirt. It is stretched out completely and just hangs on him like a rag. Worse than a rag. Every rag I have is in better shape than this shirt. Still, he insisted he liked it and it was "comfortable" to wear with his lounge pants around the house. (Even he would never wear it out in public.) I don't know why it would be any more comfortable than the other 37 worn out t-shirts he owns, but whatever.

I did not have the heart to throw it away, but I did hide it. Whenever he wore it I would wash it (hoping it would disintegrate in the washer) and then hide it way in the back of another drawer. Out of sight out of mind. But he always found it again. (Drat!) Seriously, he looks worse than a homeless person in this hideous thing. The Salvation Army would reject it. The naked savages in National Geographic would not even recognize it as clothing. It's bad.

Don't believe me? Here it is:


This photo doesn't do justice to the holes, but you get the idea. This morning I woke up and it was draped over a chair in the bedroom with a sticky note on it (as you see in the photo.) The note reads, "Do Your Worst." He's giving in. The t-shirt can be put out of its misery. Saints be praised!

So what should I do with it? He is not really the sentimental type, so I don't need to save it and turn it into a wreath or some bullshit. I suppose I could keep it for really yucky clean up jobs where you just want to throw the rag away. The point is, I never have to see it on him again, and it wasn't a battle. He just realized I was right and gave in. Smart move, Baby.

Sammy Sosa Responds to My Request for a Statement

So this is what Sammy says about his suddenly white complexion (from the Associated Press):

"Sammy Sosa says a cosmetic cream he uses to soften his skin is the reason for his lighter skin tone.

The former Chicago Cubs slugger was photographed at the Latin Grammy awards in Las Vegas last week with a noticeably whiter face.

Sosa says he has been using the cream for a long time, and combined with bright TV lights, it made his face look whiter than it really is. Sosa says he is not trying to look like late pop star Michael Jackson and is not suffering from any skin illness.

Sosa made his remarks on the Univision Spanish network. He declined to identify the cream.

Sosa, who turns 41 on Thursday, hit 609 homers over 18 seasons in the majors with the Cubs, White Sox, Rangers and Orioles. He hasn't appeared in a big league game since 2007. "

Yeah. I'm not sure I buy this explanation. Let's look at the evidence again:

You will note that his skin is lightened all over his head - his ears (even the inside), his scalp (right past the hairline), his eyelids and his neck. I bet his sinuses are whiter. Is this the way men, or even women for that matter, use "cosmetic cream" to "soften" their skin? What dude cares about how soft his skin is in the first place? Ladies, when you moisturize do you rub the stuff into your ears and eyelids? I'm thinking no.

Also, if you were using a cream, all over your entire head, and your skin turned THIS pale (he is a black man, remember), wouldn't you freak the fuck out and stop using it? And how bright were those lights? Did the white people just disappear?

Sorry, Sammy, I'm not buyin' it.

Sunny Day, Sweepin' the Clouds Away...

I watched the 40th Anniversary episode of Sesame Street yesterday. Partly because Michelle Obama was on, but mostly because all the talk about the anniversary stirred up fond memories from my childhood. Sesame (as we called it - just one name, like Cher), then Mr. Rogers, the Electric Company, School House Rock. All awesome educational shows.

I heard a show on NPR where they were talking about some of the changes in the modern version of the show, so I thought I would see it for myself.

The lyrics of the classic opening song are the same, but the tune is slightly jazzier. Many of the same characters are there, Big Bird, Snuffleupagus (were his eyelashes always that long?), Grover, Cookie Monster, Bert and Ernie. Oscar the Grouch wasn't in the episode but he's still around, I'm sure. And get this, Bert and Ernie are in CLAYMATION now! What's up with that? They had a whole little segment where they were detectives. It was about whistling, I think. And ducks. Cookie Monster is still the same, but now cookies are a "Sometimes Food" because we're all healthy. Even Kermit made a cameo appearance in a segment about frogs. We didn't have Elmo when I was a kid, and I find him kind of annoying. What's with the referring to himself in the third person? Don't teach kids that! So obnoxious.

Most of the human characters are still there, too. Mr. Hooper died - he's an Asian guy now. Bob is a feeble (I mean really feeble) old man with dyed hair, but he's still there. Gordon is bald, Maria's past menopause, but they're all there, plus a bunch of new people.

So the show started with Big Bird complaining about being cold, and this guy who's a "bird real estate agent" tries to get him to move to a new "habitat." That was the "Word on the Street" - Habitat. Good educational stuff there. The real estate guy raps about habitats - there's something you didn't see in the old version - rapping. Oy.

They still do a letter and a number of the day, too. The number, of course, was 40. The letter was H. H as in Habitat, Hair, Hula Hoop, Hands and Head. H could also stand for "Hardly any Honkies." There were like two white kids on the whole show. The forced diversity is actually kind of funny. In the segment with the First Lady they talked about planting a garden and eating fresh vegetables, and she had one white kid, one black kid and one Asian kid. Most of the segments had blacks, Asians and the brownish kids that could pass for either white or Latino. There was exactly one blond girl and one redhaired boy. And kids in wheelchairs, of course. I joke, but this is a good thing. You have to start early to teach kids that there are many kinds of people in the world.

In addition to claymation Bert and Ernie (still living together, still sharing a bedroom - ahem) the segments with Abby Cadaby the little girl fairy are completely CG animation. It was a pretty cute little segment where they're chasing a Gerbilcorn (a mix between a gerbil and a unicorn) at the preschool for fairies. I think it was about social interaction or something. Not a lot of learning going on.

There were plenty of references that only parents (and maybe the gay kids) would get - "Open the Door Zsa Zsa Gabor" is one of Abby's spells, and the frog segment featured Jumpy Garland singing "Come on Get Hoppy." Super corny but cute.

Overall, still one of the best shows on TV for children. They learn about computers and email - Grover appears via a Youtube-like video in a distance learning program from the rainforest and there's a progress bar at the bottom of the screen drawn in crayon. Good attention to detail!

The funniest thing, though, was at the end. Some orange muppet who acted as the host and emcee says "See you next time on The Street. Peace." Awesome.

Seriously, Fox News, Digital Recordings Exist

Couldn't let this one slide. My secret boyfriend Jon Stewart once again had to remind our friends at Faux News, Sean Hannity in particular, that they really need to get a refresher course in how TV works. Watch the hilarity here:

http://mediamatters.org/mmtv/200911100063

If there is anyone out there who watched this in real time, please tell me if you noticed what Jon noticed. I know that if you were putzing around the house and not really paying attention you could miss it, but do you see it now? How can this possibly be defended? I mean REALLY.

And another thing, if you are a Faux News viewer, aren't you just a little pissed that Hannity thinks you are so stupid and gullible that he can just use any old footage he has hanging around and you'll buy it? I cannot begin to imagine how this story was compiled and not one person in the room said, "Uh, you can totally tell that's a different event on a different day, in a different month, of a different season."

SIGH.

Revelation Weekend

Three major revelations this past (very busy) weekend.

First, Kirstie Alley was on Oprah the other day for an episode about celebrities' first jobs. Kirstie's was as a "home maker" (house cleaner) for a wealthy family in her neighborhood. She went back to the same house and cleaned for them - cute bit. But here's the great part: her secret to a sparkling and germ-free bathroom is - CHEAP VODKA. Yes, she buys the cheapest vodka possible and uses it to clean the bathroom. (Her kids were on and confirmed that she is a clean-freak and their house is always spotless.) She says rubbing alcohol works, of course (same concept), but there is vodka that is cheaper than the same quantity of rubbing alcohol. That, actually, is a strange revelation in itself - vodka that is so cheap and nasty it's more expensive to buy rubbing alcohol??? Blech.

Anyway, I tried it with the rubbing alcohol. Unbelievable. Works so great. I just sloshed some alcohol on the sink, around the faucet, and wiped with an old washcloth. The chrome sparkles, the soap scum and water stains come right off, and the Formica counters are perfectly clean and super shiny with no residue at all. You can just take the same rag and clean the mirror, too. No residue, no streaking, just absolutely clean and shiny. I did the kitchen sink, too. I am so impressed. The slight medicinal smell dissipates within minutes. I don't know if I can fathom the idea of keeping a jug of cheap vodka under the bathroom sink (Kirstie joked "this doesn't work if your maid is an alcoholic") but I will definitely stock up on rubbing alcohol at Walgreens the next time they have one of their buy-one-get-one sales, which happen pretty often.

The second revelation this weekend was that there is apparently one Republican in the House of Representatives with a conscience! Louisiana Rep. Joseph Cao was the lone Republatard vote for health care reform. He said he knows his party is pissed, but he had to vote "his conscience."

"I read the versions of the House [health reform] bill. I listened to the countless stories of Orleans and Jefferson Parish citizens whose health care costs are exploding – if they are able to obtain health care at all. Louisianans needs real options for primary care, for mental health care, and for expanded health care for seniors and children."

Finally, one guy who admits that he represents more than rich white people. This just highlights one of the most disgusting parts of the health care debate: some of the poorest districts in the South, where health care reform and assistance are desperately needed, are represented by Republicans who don't give a shit about the people who are suffering. All they care about is money - keeping it for themselves and their rich friends. UGH. I could go on forever, and I will, but that's for another day.

Finally, Sammy Sosa is a white man now. Check out this photo comparison:


WTF? Seriously? The first photo is from just a few months ago, the other is from a few days ago. Uh, are we not supposed to notice the difference? There are rumors that he has virtiglio (or whatever), that skin pigmentation disease that Michael Jackson had. If that's the case, make a public statement about it, dude. Otherwise the speculation will run rampant, just like it did with my beloved MJ.

Okay, gotta run and make a sandwich for the hubby. Then I have to write an entire paper on Karl Marx (his economic theories - not communism), the first draft of which is due at 6 tonight. Oy. I'll post some of it here someday. Marx got a bad rap because of the whole communism thing. Some of his theories about capitalism and other economic issues were right on.