Back in the Saddle

No distraction now - new hard drive was installed by genius husband and I feel like myself again. Ahhhhhhhh. Mama missed you, my sweet baby Dell.

Back to the philosophy exam!

Tomorrow I will rate some new laundry products. Stay tuned to find out if you should run to the store or save your money.

Distracted by...Navin Johnson

The new hard drive is here! The new hard drive is here!

Remember the movie "The Jerk" (1979) with Steve Martin? His character Navin (what the hell kind of a name is that?) gets all excited when the new phone books arrive? Man, that is a funny movie. A must-see and a must-own. I wonder if there's a collector's edition or something.

Anyway, the new hard drive just arrived. I was downstairs and saw the FedEx truck pull up, so I waited in the foyer. And waited. And checked my email on my Blackberry. And waited. Finally went back up stairs and he rang the doorbell 15 seconds later. Bastard was probably waiting for me to get back upstairs.

Speaking of the Blackberry, it has made life tolerable in the absence of my precious laptop. If I would have to be checking constantly on this slow, old one I would have lost it.

Other distraction today was bleaching out the inside of our garbage bin, which husband said was making him "almost puke." Ah, the glamorous life of this Distracted Housewife.

Now, back to the philosophy take-home exam. Knowledge is knowledge of the Cause! I exist because I doubt!

Distracted by...Family Tragedy

While I was trying to wrap my brain around Michael Jackson's death, our family experienced another tragedy from which it will be very hard to recover. I'm not talking about the death of my less-than-a-year-old hard drive, although that did nearly drive me over the edge (the fine people at Dell are sending a new one and can transfer the data, so it will be okay, thanks for asking).

No, the real shock yesterday came as I was talking with my sister, Princess #2, about Michael Jackson. She told me that his death had been confirmed, and that she heard it on...THE BILL O'REILLY SHOW. Yes, my sister watches Bill O'Reilly, and perhaps even - shudder - Fox "News". I am still sick to my stomach. I mean, I knew that one of my best friends watched Faux News, and I'm still in therapy for that, but my own sister? On top of the death of my beloved laptop and Michael Jackson, it's just more than I can take. (Where is that Chardonnay?)

The only thing one can do at these times is to hope, please god, that the children were not in the room.

Please do not judge my entire family because of this revelation. She wasn't raised this way. I just don't know what happened. We will have to deal with this in our own way, in our own time. Thank you for your healing thoughts and understanding.

Distracted by...the Death of Michael Jackson

Remember when I asked "what the hell is going on?" Well, if the last 24 hours didn't prove that something in the universe is out of whack, nothing will. Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson died within about 24 hours. WTF? Ed and Farrah were ill and their passings were not entirely unexpected. But Michael Jackson?

I am very sad. Michael Jackson's music was a huge part of my life growing up, and he set the bar impossibly high for pop music entertainers. Perhaps that is why I do not really embrace current popular music. No one can hold a candle to people like Michael Jackson and Prince, who are truly musical geniuses. Even Madonna, who is a superstar and brilliant businesswoman, does not have that quality that set Michael Jackson apart from everyone else.

Everything Michael Jackson did was groundbreaking: the music, the choreography, the videos, the costumes, the staging - everything. Jackson's videos were films, with directors such as John Landis, and special effects that rivaled Hollywood blockbusters. A Michael Jackson video included people like Eddie Murphy, Iman, John Travolta, Magic Johnson, Steven Speilberg - it goes on and on.

It's almost too late for anyone else to have the kind of impact on the music industry that Michael Jackson had. He broke all the barriers, including racial barriers, and set the standard for entertainment. He advanced the art form more than anyone else of his generation. I fear we are too jaded to see an entertainer in the same light again.

His strangeness was part of the genius. We talk in my philosophy classes about this - the level of genius that gives a handful of human beings incredible gifts, but makes it nearly impossible for them to tolerate a "normal" existence, or to live in the world as a "normal" person. I hope he has found peace, and that his children are allowed to grieve privately and live a good life.

Distracted by...What the hell is going on?

Is there something going on in the universe? Did some planets fall out of orbit of something? The last few days have been just crazy. It kind of started when my mother and her husband arrived for a visit. We waited for months and months to get her a new cell phone because we wanted to go together and make sure they got what they needed. We scoped it all out ahead of time and were assured there would be no problem getting the phone they wanted. Nope, it was out of stock at every AT&T store in the area. Hubby ordered it online and they promised it would be here before Mother her husband left. Nope. It came the day after they left. Hubby tried to change the shipping address, but they wouldn't do it. So I took it today to be shipped. US Post Office says it will "probably" be there by Friday (new deadline - really NEEDS to be there). I took that deal because it was only $7.60, and then Mother says she doesn't trust their crappy post office. I went back to the post office and an incredibly helpful, nice lady found the box and gave it back to me. I'm quite sure that was against the rules, but bless her heart! I took it to UPS, where for the low, low price of $26.90 (MORE THAN THE COST OF THE PHONE) they will guarantee delivery by Friday. Whatever. I think I could have bought the phone its own seat on a super-saver flight for that much.

The reason I went to the post office to begin with is because I had to get some very important, dated material out of a PO Box used by group I belong to. Seriously important - had to have it today. I tried the combination for the lock that was given to me by a very nice but flakey man who said he was "pretty sure" it was right. Couldn't get it open. Same nice lady tries to help me and decides to check the file and see if the combination is correct. Yeah, uh, NOT EVEN CLOSE. Not even the right number of digits! Thank god we were able to get Mr. Nice-but-Flakey on the phone and he gave her permission to give me the contents. Again, she could have said "so sorry, against the rules," but she didn't. Nice postal lady saves the day! I might bring her some flowers tomorrow.

The biggest headache we have is that Hubby's daughter borrowed his car last week, drove it through a giant lake that "didn't look that deep," and now the car is an enormous black fiberglass paperweight shaped like a Dodge Neon. It needs an entire new engine. Hopefully insurance will cover it (pray to the patron saint of State Farm).

There were other crazy things all week - power out, forgetting things (more than usual), distractions too numerous to count, and, above all, THE HEAT IS UNBEARABLE. Welcome to Wisconsin in the summer. The nice lady on the radio (I have a lot of contact with nice ladies) says it's 91 degrees, but that, my friends, is bullshit. My car's thermometer (which I'm sure is far more accurate than the National Weather Service) says 99 degrees and that is exactly how hot it feels. I raise my glass of Barefoot Chardonnay (yes, it's 4:15, what's your point?) to Willis Haviland Carrier, the man who invented air conditioning. God bless him and his progeny.

Distracted by...Feeding the Husband

My husband is actually really easy to keep happy. He just wants a decent sandwich for lunch and meat and potatoes for dinner. (Well, and some other stuff, but this is a PG blog.) He's perfectly capable of making a sandwich, obviously, but I like to do it for him. Lately he's been announcing his hunger in a very dramatic fashion, by listing into the room, hand to forehead, falling onto the bed or sofa, and wailing, "Woe is me! Will NO ONE make me a sandwich?" It's pretty damn funny.

So here's the thing. He likes mayo - a ton of it - on his sandwich. In an effort to make him something slightly healthier, I bought the Kraft Mayo with Olive Oil. I hid it (right smack in the middle of the fridge, so there was no chance he would see it) and the first time I used it I didn't tell him. I just asked how the sandwich was, and he said "great!" Then I told him it was not his regular full-octane mayo, but the olive oil kind with half the fat and calories of regular mayo. He said it was good, and so with that official endorsement we just got a little healthier. Baby steps, people, baby steps.

Distracted by...Dust and Dirt

For the record, the Distracted Housewife is not too distracted to keep a reasonably clean home. Today's modern conveniences make this much easier. No, I'm not talking about appliances (it's not 1943, for Pete's sake). I'm talking about the inventions that are so simple, yet so indispensable.

The Distracted Housewife whole-heartedly endorses:

1. All manner of Swiffer. This may be the greatest cleaning tool of the 21st century. And, no, the store brand knock-offs are not the same. I can clean my floors in 20 minutes and dust the entire house during commercial breaks. The Swiffer Duster also gets the award for being the only convenient and effective way to clean window blinds and ceiling fans.
2. The Mr. Clean Eraser. I don't know exactly how this works, and I don't care. It's amazing. You can "erase" soap scum off glass shower doors in minutes with no fumes or dripping, caustic chemicals. In this case, the Target brand knock-off does work just as well as the original.
3. Tarnex. It really does work like magic. Just dip silver jewelry in it, or wipe onto silver bowls and trays with a cotton ball, and rinse with water. Again, I don't know how it works, but it does.
4. Murphy's Oil Soap. The only safe way to clean wood, and it leave a wonderfully fresh, but not cloying, scent. You should never use anything but Murphy's to clean wood work, doors, cupboards or wood furniture. My friend the professional painter also recommends it for cleaning walls. All hail Murphy's Oil Soap.
5. Last, but not least, an endorsement from the Housewife's sister. Sister called to say that the Scrubbing Bubbles Mega Shower Foamer really works. It has a wider nozzle to cover more area, which makes a difference. I tried it, and she's right. Perfect for a fiberglass bathtub, which would take forever to clean with the Mr. Clean Eraser.

Distracted by...Cheap Vodka

The Distracted Housewife is concerned about the economy just like everyone else and is always looking for new ways to save money. I usually buy fairly expensive vodka (Grey Goose or Stoli) because, you know, life is short. But I started to think, what if there's a less expensive vodka that I like just as well? So I bought about a dozen tiny bottles of vodka from good old Discount Liquor and did my own personal taste test.

Now, obviously you can't test all of them at once. That would be crazy, even for me. So I did a series of three tests, and then had a final round with the three top placers. You can do this at home, too! Here's how I did it:

All the vodka was served exactly the same way, and tasted in three versions (which is how I really drink it). The vodka was cold, straight out of the freezer, and I tasted it straight, with a lemon twist, and with lemon seltzer. I numbered the bottles and wrote corresponding numbers on cocktail napkins, turned upside down, under the glasses. I hid the bottles and then closed my eyes and moved all the glasses around until I had no idea which was which. I sipped each one, eating water crackers between tastes, and then wrote down my observations before looking to see which was which. The results were very surprising!

The winner was...Smirnoff! I was shocked. Smirnoff is about half the cost of Grey Goose, which came in a very close second. Third place when to Pearl Vodka out of Canada, which I had never heard of. It was very good. Fourth place went to the venerable Stolichnaya. The losers included Fleischmann's, which was completely disgusting and undrinkable (my mother used to buy that - Christ, it was awful) and Absolut, which really surprised me. I often order Absolut in bars if I'm having a mixed drink, but on its own and side-by-side with other vodkas it failed miserably.

In case you are wondering why I did this taste test alone (I DO have friends!) it's because I did not want to be influenced by anyone else's opinion, which could easily happen. You could have a bunch of people over and have a blast doing this, of course, but a vodka tasting is a lot different than a wine tasting and the Distracted Housewife does not advocate drinking and driving. :-)

Distracted by...Affairs

Huge news in the paper this morning! I almost spit my coffee across the room as I read that our police chief admits to having an affair with...wait for it...uber-conservative Republican journalist Jessica McBride! I LOVE it when holier-than-thou "family values" Republican assholes get caught with their pants down (or skirts up, in this case).The article included excerpts from a love letter hand-written by Jessica, where she actually says "you completed me that night." BARF! In an interview on the radio, the reporter who broke the story said that most of the letter was un-printable because it was so graphic. Gross! The letter, and incriminating e-mails, were sent to the reporter by an anonymous informant. I'm dying to know who it was!

And as if that isn't bad enough, McBride's husband (who she also had an affair with) is a prominent local attorney and former politician. Wow. I mean, how do you go to work and out in public when everybody knows who you are and your wife's indiscretions are splashed across the front page of the paper. Sucks to be him right now.