Distracted by...Pageants and Pedophiles

At the suggestion of Princess #2, I took one for the team and watched an episode of Toddlers and Tiaras, so that you don't have to. This show is on TLC, which is short for The Learning Channel, and boy, do these people have a lot to learn. Like the ENGLISH LANGUAGE, for starters. Yes, this show has subtitles. Oh, it's produced in America. It's just that the people are from Mississippi and Louisiana (act shocked) and you can barely understand what the hell they are saying.

I sat down with a cocktail (act shocked) thinking I was in for a half hour of idiocy. No, it's an hour long. Christ on the cross, help us. The show revolved around three victims, I mean, uh, children, and the people I will refer to as the Pedophile Enablers, or PEs for short. Most of the PEs are parents. With very bad Southern accents and very small brains.

The children are Taylor, who's 4, Makynli , 5, (WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NAME IS THAT? IT'S PRONOUNCED LIKE McKinley, AS IN PRESIDENT MCKINLEY) and a girl named Madison, whose stage name is Tootie. Madison/Tootie is 10 and speaks of herself in the third person, such as "Tootie did really good on stage today. She's really tired right now." She's talking about herself!

All three girls talk to the cameras about how much they enjoy "being perfect" and how much they want to win. The female PEs mostly try to avoid revealing how much they spend on this bullshit and work hard to convince the viewer (and themselves?) that they only do it because the girls love it and they will stop the instant the girls aren't having fun anymore. Yeah, right. One male PE says "the guys at work think this is just about psycho moms." Those guys are correct, dude. The same PE says "I don't mind the hair and makeup but I draw the line at leather and chains and fishnet stockings." Oh, good. As long as you have limits. His daughter is 5.

The three girls are taking part in the Kings and Queens of America pageant in Louisiana (act shocked). Oddly enough, the pageant director is a woman who isn't wearing any makeup and hasn't seen a comb since 1982. The children, on the other hand, have way more makeup on than the hookers on 27th and State, including fake hair, eyelashes, press-on nails, and spray tans. If you saw a grown woman with that much makeup on you would laugh out loud. At one point Taylor's female PE is saying "she doesn't mind the tan" at the SAME TIME as the little girl is crying and screaming and trying to squirm away from the tanning lady.

The children, all tarted up like hookers, prance around in three competitions: Super Model, Beauty ("facial beauty", the moms say), and American Wear. Taylor - the 4 year-old - has a red and white bikini for her "American wear" and she comes out in a skirt and then rips it off to expose her body. SHE IS FOUR. The competition continues like that - the girls, from age 1 to 12, (YES, ONE. THEY CAN'T EVEN WALK BY THEMSELVES) strut, shimmy, shake their hips, strip off articles of clothing and throw kisses to the judges. It is sickening. Refill your cocktail.

While the little ones are hard to watch, it's worse with the older girls. At 10-12 years-old they really look like young women with all that makeup and fake hair. It's really, really, really, disturbing to watch them shake their asses for a group of judges and PEs. Very, very, sickening. And gross. And their PEs should be saving that money because theses girls will need therapy.

The little one, Taylor, wins a crown (5th place) and falls asleep in her mom's lap, totally oblivious. Makynli (JESUS CHRIST WHAT A STUPID NAME) wins a crown and a live puppy (they gave away PUPPIES) and is lovin' life. Her PE is especially proud because she won the Beauty portion.

Now, as bizarre and barely watchable as this show is, the end was...sad. "Tootie" only wins one award, and it's not the one she wanted. Her mother looks at the camera and says - I am not making this up - "She didn't win Beauty. Well, we can't change her face.'' She is standing there with her ridiculous, giant wig and her ridiculous Dolly Parton makeup, and they ask her, "Were you happy when you heard your name called?" She just stares at the camera. Finally she says "I don't know. No." She turns to walk away, but stops, and says "Don't put that on TV."

Children should be cute, not sexy. People who put children in beauty pageants are sick individuals who are creating fantasies for pedophiles and children who are damaged for life. I stand by that statement 100%. Do not watch Toddlers and Tiaras. It has no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

Now, I need to freshen my cocktail (act shocked) and scrub my brain with National Geographic Channel or something.