A Distracted Housewife

What a Disgusting Waste

2010-09-15T22:37:00.002-05:00

Meg Whitman, a Republican (of course), wants so badly to be governor of California that she has spent $119 million on her campaign. So far. That's MILLION. ONE HUNDRED AND NINETEEN MILLION. $119,000,000.00

Imagine the good that amount of money could have done. The schools in California are struggling, people are hungry and homeless, and she spent $119 MILLION dollars on her vanity-campaign power trip. There is a special place in hell...

Holy Crap!

2010-09-09T23:13:00.002-05:00

I kind of can't believe this - so awesome!!!

http://www.cnn.com/2010/US/09/09/dont.ask.dont.tell/index.html?hpt=T2://

Another step toward equality for all Americans! Woo hooooooooo!!!!!

Fox News Spreads Hate and Lies at Record Pace

2010-09-01T10:20:00.004-05:00

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/09/01/cable-news-ratings-august_n_701099.html

Fox "News" was watched by an enormous (kind of) number of people in the month of August. Now, in the scheme of the nation's population, it's not a lot of people. Less than 1% of the population. Still, the fact that more and more people even want to watch a station that exists purely to spread hate, lies, intolerance and religious zealotry, and roots for the President (and our nation) to fail, is incredibly sad.

Uh huh. I am not surprised.

2010-08-31T12:51:00.001-05:00

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/08/31/health-care-reform-hypocr_1_n_700472.html

The same states that are suing to block health care reform, because it is so horrible and unconstitutional, are also taking advantage of it. Can an entire state be an asshole?

This is What You Get From Watching Fox "News"

2010-08-31T10:19:00.002-05:00

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/08/30/obama-islamic-fundamentalist-gop-polled-majority-says_n_699883.html

Once again, Republicans have outdone themselves. Now a majority of them (52%) think that President Obama "definitely or probably" wants to spread Islamic Law around the world. WTF? How in the world (Fox News) could a person (Glenn Beck) possibly be so stupid (Gretchen Carlson) to think that this has the remotest possibility of being true???

Do these people even realize what "Islamic Law" is? If they are talking about Sharia Law, it isn't even the common-law in most Islamic nations, much less having any possibility of becoming "world law." And how exactly would this happen? Obama has the power to change the law in nations across the planet? Really? Obama has the power to unilaterally change the entire legal system in the United States? Really? If the president had the power GW Bush would have given us Redneck Law years ago. Oh, wait...

Pro-life my big white ass

2010-08-23T16:58:00.002-05:00

Once again, conservative "pro-life" a-holes prove that they care more about cells than about actual living, breathing human beings:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/08/23/stem-cell-regulations-tem_n_691738.html

Now, thanks to "pro-lifers," more people will die while we try to find other ways to cure these diseases.

I am shocked --- SHOCKED...

2010-08-18T16:34:00.005-05:00

...to learn that Fox "News" donated $1 million to a Republican committee, namely the Republican Governors Association:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/08/18/fox-news-doesnt-mention-n_n_686570.html?ir=Politics

I am equally shocked that they chose not to report this on their "news" station even though it has been in the mainstream for at least 48 hours now. Now, it is true that, like all corporations, other news agencies also make political donations. However, none of them has come even close to a million dollars and they are pretty evenly distributed between liberal and conservative organizations.

So, for anyone out there who still thought Fox was "fair and balanced," this should put that myth to rest.

While we're on the subject of political donations, don't forget to boycott Target. They gave $500,000 to a far-right candidate in Minnesota who not only thinks gay people should not have any rights, he thinks they should be killed. Make it right, Target!

Perfect Product Pfail

2010-08-06T22:06:00.006-05:00

Princess #2 has a product warning for all of you home bakers out there. (Of which I am not one. I cook; I don't bake. I leave the baking to Aunt Sue who is awesome at it. Thank god. Or we would never have Christmas cookies. And that's just sad.)

In an attempt to out-Martha Martha Stewart and bake the "perfect brownie," P2 bought the "as seen on TV" Perfect Brownie Pan.

Alas, the only thing it is "perfect" for is giving you a reason to drink in the afternoon. And wasting Pam spray and brownie mix as you try repeatedly to make this crappy product work.

Princess Deux tried the pan several times, spraying half a can of Pam on it, and the batter still sticks. You cannot effortlessly lift the grid out and leave the perfectly baked brownies. So don't waste your money. Your crumbled up pathetic-looking brownies taste just as good.

You know what else never worked? The old-fashioned ice trays that this product is a total rip-off of. (Or should I say, "of which this product is a total rip-off." Would have lost points in an essay for that grammar sin.)

My parents' old freezer came with these ice trays that had a metal grid exactly like Perfect Brownie's and you were supposed to lift this handle and the ice cubes would pop out of the grid. But they didn't. So we took a knife to the thing and chiseled out random chunks of ice that were in no way cube-shaped. Luckily, my cocktail party-throwing parents also had a counter-top ice crusher (have you seen one of those? Never in my life have I seen one since the one that was on our counter when I was a kid) so it didn't matter how crappy the ice cubes were because you could always crush them.

Never fear, though, tonight Husband and his daughter solved the perfect brownie problem. They made the brownie batter and just ate it out of the bowl. Problem solved! No crumbly brownies and no sticky pan to clean up. Genius.

ANOTHER STEP TOWARD EQUALITY!

2010-08-04T16:23:00.002-05:00

California's evil Prop 8 has been OVERTURNED! There will likely be more challenges to this obviously unconstitutional law against gay marriage, but this is GREAT NEWS!!!! Woo hoo!

Get the Lithium...

2010-08-04T14:56:00.002-05:00

41% of Republitards still think President Obama was not born in Hawaii, as his official birth certificate (certified by a Republican governor) clearly states. These people are either idiots or have a mass case of severe mental illness that includes paranoid delusions. Yes, those are the only two explanations.

http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0810/40644.html

The other 59% are just mean, greedy people who want children to starve while most of our money is spent on wars. Wars=good use of tax money. Helping people=bad use of tax money.

Happy Birthday President Obama!

2010-08-04T10:36:00.000-05:00

I still love you!

Calling all Tea Partiers

2010-08-02T12:39:00.002-05:00

So, Tea Party people who are sooooo concerned about "rights" (mostly, of course, the right not to have a black man for a president), what do you think about this?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/08/02/miranda-rights-trimmed-do_n_667023.html

The CONSERVATIVE-leaning Supreme Court with Republican wet-dream Chief Justice Roberts is being criticized for curtailing Miranda rights. Look for homemade posters of Roberts with a Hitler mustache at the next rally. Because they will just be all over this travesty of justice, right? Right? Anyone? Tea Party? Bueller?

Back by Popular Demand

2010-08-02T10:56:00.002-05:00

Okay, apparently some people missed me (Rebecca). I will start posting some quickie thoughts and see how that goes. Not a lot of time to write the longer essays for which I became so famous (not).

First off today, I share this gem that I heard on NPR this morning. If you don't listed to NPR, you must start. This is where you get real, unfiltered news, and the BBC tells you what is going on in the world - there is a big world out there that does not think the U.S. is the center of the universe and it's refreshing to hear what they have to say.

So, the fine folks at NPR interviewed a Mexican gang member who is doing time in a Mexican prison. He was caught bringing guns over the border...INTO Mexico...FROM the United States. That's right -- it is so bloody easy (no pun intended) to get guns in Texas that this guy bought them there to bring back to Mexico for the gangwars. Are you listening Jan Brewer? Because Arizona is next. The illegal immigrants aren't bringing weapons IN to this country so much as they are taking them OUT because we make it so easy. Arizona now has ridiculous gun laws that make it possible to buy and carry a gun anywhere without a license and without training. Let the accidental shootings begin.

Speaking of Gov. Jan Brewer, here's the next thing I heard this morning. There are a million people running for Lieutenant Governor of Wisconsin and pundits are wondering why so many people want this job. There aren't really any official duties, other than to be ready to take over the office if the Governor dies or steps down. Some say we should just eliminate the position. Jan Brewer is the reason why we shouldn't. Arizonans elected the woman my mother called "that nice Governor Janet" (Napolitano) but when she was promoted to head of homeland security for the Obama administration the poor people of Arizona got this nutjob hate-monger Brewer because they did not have an elected Lieutenant. So, vote carefully for a Lieutenant Governor who you really would want to be running this state. It could happen.

Fox "News" got the coveted front seat in the White House briefing room that Helen Thomas vacated in shame a few months ago. Will this mean that they will listen more closely and actually start reporting facts? No. No it doesn't.

Finally, here's your daily reason to hate Sarah Palin (I know, like you needed another one). She made a statement saying that President Obama doesn't have the "cojones" to fix immigration. That's right - she used the Mexican immigrants' own language to talk about how they are not welcome here and should just get out. Oh, cruel irony.

Happy Monday!

Take Texas...Please

2010-03-13T00:56:00.003-06:00

Read this. I CANNOT believe this is happening in 2010.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/03/12/texas-education-board-app_n_497440.html

SERIOUSLY. Remember all that talk about Texas ceceding? Please - let them go. I do not want this bullshit state in my nation any more. I cannot think of an example of more ignorant bullshit than what these people have come up with. And please read the article carefully: "Decisions by the board – made up of lawyers, a dentist and a weekly newspaper publisher among others – can affect textbook content nationwide because Texas is one of publishers' biggest clients."

Well that explains a lot, doesn't it. Our kids are STUPID because TEXAS is apparently in charge of text books. Listen up people: A few lawyers, a dentist and the publisher of a weekly in TEXAS are deciding what YOUR kids are going to learn. Or not learn, as the case may be. They are going to learn fake, made-up conservative bullshit "history" that is completely invented by TEXANS. You remember them - they gave us George W. Bush. Enough said.

Run, don't walk, to your school board and scream bloody murder until they hear you. NO TEXT BOOKS FROM TEXAS!!!!!

Hiatus

2010-02-12T16:24:00.002-06:00

Sorry folks - no time to blog this semester. I actually found a part-time job with wonderful people who will work around my school schedule, and between that and my numerous volunteer projects and column in the Journal Sentinel there is not much time left.

I may come back for quickies, but until May I have to take a little break.

Frankly, I would have just deleted this account but the fine people at Google do not make that an option. You can delete all your posts and just leave the page hanging, but you can't just end the blog. They are also the people who removed my ads - they said they were "suspicious." This happened, coincidentally, exactly at the time they were going to have to pay me. What a shocker! I guess they didn't get rich actually paying the little people like me who write blogs.

So long for now,

A Distracted Housewife

P.S. I still hate Sarah Palin, maybe even more after the Tea Party "convention" (that 600 people went to)

Ted Kennedy is Rolling Over in His Grave

2010-01-19T22:40:00.004-06:00

Well, thank you very much you fucking morons in Massachusetts. Now we'll get NOTHING done in Washington. At least with a Democratic majority someone was doing something. Now there is no majority (or at least not the magic "super majority") and since Republitards automatically say "NO" to every single thing (they're very much like toddlers in that way) nothing will get done. See, here's the thing - bi-partisanship, which President Obama sincerely thought was possible, requires honesty and ethics, two things the Republicans in Washington do not have. Obama could ask for all children to be happy and healthy forever and Republicans would vote against it. I truly believe that it does not matter anymore what this administration tries to do, how right it is, or how much it will help the country. The Republicans will not support anything this president does. They have proven that.

And you know what the worst part is? Massachusetts HAS UNIVERSAL HEALTH INSURANCE! That's right - Brown actually said that he didn't care about national health care reform because his state already has it covered. Well, thanks, good for you, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE GODDAMN COUNTRY?

Ok, now that that is off my chest I will say this: healthcare reform will pass. Oh, yes, it will. One way or another the American People are going to get what they need. No more worrying about pre-existing conditions and lifetime caps, and all the rest of it. Harry and Nancy have got your back, America. They will figure out a way to do it. After that, all bets are off because Congress, which is already totally dysfunctional, will be even worse. SIGH.

Phrase of the Day - "Rovian Nihilists"

2010-01-19T11:15:00.001-06:00

You must read this:

http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2010/01/so-what-does-it-mean.html#more

AUGH!

2010-01-05T21:18:00.002-06:00

Hey Princess #4! and Pam! and Michael! Houlihan's at Brookfield Square is closing - like by the end of the month! What the hell??? That was the only reason I went to Brookfield Square -so we could have cheap cocktails and 'shrooms at Houlihan's! They're replacing it with a Red Robin "Family Restaurant." That's code for "obnoxious screaming kids allowed." Blah. Well that just sucks.

If it's still there when we get back from vacation I will gather the troops for a final shroom.

Remember me?

2009-12-29T15:14:00.004-06:00

Yes, I know it's been a while since I wrote here, but the holidays are always crazy and busy and this year was no exception. With that apology, let's get to the news at hand. There are lots of things happening that cannot pass without comment.

So, big surprise, Karl Rove has gotten divorced from his second wife. I guess the "sanctity of marriage" only applies when gay people want to get married, not when straight people want to get un-married. He sucks.

The TSA (Transportation Security Administration), which obviously has its hands full in light of the recent bonehead bombing attempt, is without a leader because a Republican, Jim DeMint, refuses to confirm Obama's nominee. He's afraid the guy might - might, not will - let some workers join a union. So your safety is apparently not as important as the Republican hatred of unions. Good to know.

Also not as important as Republican hatred - your health. The healthcare bill will pass, of course, but not with any (or very little) Republican support. As we know, Republicans only care about fetuses. Once you are actually born they don't give a shit about you. Also if you are the woman carrying the fetus, they don't give a shit about you. One of the things that the healthcare bill will do is stop insurance companies from charging higher premiums just because you're a woman. Again, Republicans apparently think this is a terrible idea. Whatever. I am not rehashing the health care debate again. I just want to be here when NONE of the things Republitards like Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman want us to be so afraid of actually happen. I WILL be saying "I told you so."

And I still hate Sarah Palin. And I still do not think there is any possible way she got on a plane in Texas AFTER her water broke, and AFTER giving a speech, and then flew to Alaska and drove 3 hours to a hospital to give birth. To her 5th child. Which would have flown out of the chute with one push. Utter bullshit. I think Levi Johnston knows when, where and how that kid was really born and if this child custody case he and Bristol are in gets nasty the truth may come out.

Let's see...what else...oh, Charlie Sheen's in trouble again. SIGH. It sounds like both he and his wife have some serious issues and both of them were at fault. Of course he's the one who will get dragged through the mud, even though she was blowing a 0.14 blood alcohol level at 8:30 in the morning with two babies in the house. I'm just sayin'.

Lastly, we have this gem courtesy of the Brits. Bill O'Reilly was ripping on some interview that was conducted with Bill Ayers and he kept saying the interviewer was some "Russian who doesn't even speak English." The interviewer was actually a British woman who spoke perfect English throughout the interview. Did he even watch it before ranting and raving like a lunatic? Please watch carefully, and you will see how Americans are viewed in the rest of the world because of the buffoons on Fox News. Thanks a lot, Fox.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAlV5QFGUjw

Next up, I will be bitching about the inability of clothing manufacturers to create universal sizes for women's clothing like they do for men's clothing. I will get an expert opinion from a reader in the field and we'll discuss. :-) Ciao.

Twas the Night Before Christmas..

2009-12-22T18:08:00.003-06:00

Courtesy of Senator Burris:

It was the night before Christmas, and all through the Senate
The right held up our health care bill, no matter what was in it
The people had voted a mandated reform
But Republicans blew off the gathering storm
We'll clog up the Senate, they cried with a grin
And in the midterm elections, we'll get voted in
They knew regular folks needed help right this second
But fundraisers, lobbyists and politics beckoned
So try as they might, Democrats could not win
Because the majority was simply too thin
Then across every state there rose such a clatter
The whole senate rushed out to see what was the matter
All sprang up from their desk and ran from the floor
Straight through the cloakroom and right out the door

And what in the world would be quite so raucous?
But a mandate for change from the Democratic caucus
The president, the Speaker, of course Leader Reid
Had answered the call in our hour of need
More rapid than eagles, the provisions they came
And they whistled and shouted and called them by name
Better coverage, cost savings, a strong public plan [sic]
Accountable options. We said, 'Yes, we can.'
No exclusions or changes for preexisting conditions
Let's pass a bill that restores competition
The Democrats all came together to fight
For the American people that Christmas Eve night

And then in a twinkle, I heard under the dome
The roll call was closed, and it was time to go home
Despite the obstructionist tactics of some
The filibuster had broken, the people had won
And a good bill was ready for President Obama
Ready to sign and end health care drama
Democrats explained as they drove out of sight
Better coverage for all, even our friends on the right.

Cute!

You'll note he left in the public option, and I am still holding out hope that the Congress will get it back in for the final version. We'll see. More tomorrow...

Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe,

2009-12-06T17:34:00.005-06:00

catch a Tiger by the...Oh, Lord, Mr. Woods what have you done?

Turns out Tiger Woods is not the chivalrous Mr. Perfect we thought (assumed, hoped) he was. His infidelity began as a rumor following a very suspicious car accident, but has pretty well been confirmed by his admission of indiscretions. Unconfirmed, but sounding more and more true, is the existence of several mistresses. SIGH. It's starting to sound like he had a woman in every town, much like rock stars and politicians who have been caught with their pants down.

This story unfolded slowly enough that I went through many "wonderings." When it was first reported he was in a "serious" car accident, I wondered if he was okay. When it was reported that said accident was practically in his own driveway at 2:30 in the morning, I wondered if he was drunk and where the hell he would have been going at 2:30. Then there was the report that his wife, Elin, broke the back window of his SUV in "an attempt to help him," so I wondered how she meant to do that - break the back window, crawl into the SUV and then pull him to safety out the back, even though the doors were functional? I wondered how they expected anyone to believe that. I started to wonder, as did most of the world, if what really happened was that Elin finally confronted him about the women's numbers in his phone and, after probably fighting for hours, he stormed out of the house. Then the rest came out and this is what I wondered: "Why, oh why, do these men think they're going to get away with this shit?"

I mean, really, in this age of cell phone cameras, text messages, emails, voice mails, how does someone as famous as Tiger Woods think he has any sense of privacy with some chick he met in a diner? Duh. You're Tiger Woods. Do you really think the little whore you're sharing your most intimate fantasies with is going to keep her mouth shut? Do y'all remember how grossed out we were that Monica kept "the dress?" No need for DNA evidence here - the "ladies" have digital proof that they are more than happy to share. And it's not just stuff like "Hey, this is Tiger, uh, Schmoods, meet me at our secret place.." No, at least one of the four women who have come forward says she has messages where he talked/wrote about erotic dreams and sexual fantasies. Embarrassing? Oh, yeah. His own damn fault? Yep, that too.

It's not just embarrassing for Tiger, of course. His poor wife must be mortified and his kids must be wondering why mommy and daddy aren't speaking to each other. I've never understood these guys who marry models, for Christ's sake, and then cheat on them! I mean at least two assholes cheated on Halle Berry! Just goes to show you, being beautiful does not make you immune to a wandering eye.

Tiger and Elin have two children, one of whom will not even be one until February. That means he was cheating on his wife while she was pregnant and caring for his toddler. That's really, really shitty. Shittier than just plain cheating, in my opinion. And what about the sluts he was seeing? They knew he was married and had babies at home. I wonder if there are any other women who told him to take his giant penis (at least that's what I hear) and shove it somewhere else, like into his right hand, for example, if he was lonely on the road. Maybe for every little star-fucker who couldn't stop herself there were several who said "no, thanks, how's your wife these days?" Maybe. But I kind of doubt it. I think these guys get a sense of which girls will say "yes." Rent the movie "Funny People" with Adam Sandler and Seth Rogan. You'll see what I mean.

Now what I'm wondering is how horrible it must have been for his wife to realize that they can no longer pretend everything is okay. You have a huge fight, your husband storms off and gets in an accident, the whole neighborhood is woken by the ambulance and police, and he's taken to the hospital. You have to try to get some sleep because the kids will be up in the morning, but you know that nothing will be the same again. He's famous, you're famous, and there's an insatiable 24-hour news cycle. Then his "indiscretions" are all over the Internet for all your friends and family, as well as total strangers, to see. If she wasn't taking a "mommy's little helper," she will be now, just to get through the day.

I guess this is just a good wake-up call that as much as we admire a man's (or woman's) skill as an athlete or an actor, we don't know anything about them as people. Tiger will "survive" this as an athlete, but whether his family survives intact is yet to be seen. Sad, sad.

Andrew Sullivan is my Hero

2009-12-03T18:29:00.002-06:00

People who think they are in line with the current conservative movement should read this carefully:

http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2009/12/leaving-the-right.html

A summary:

"...my attachment to the Anglo-American conservative political tradition, as I understand it, is real and deep and the result of sincere reflection on the world as I see it. And I want that tradition to survive because I believe it is a vital complement to liberalism in sustaining the genius and wonder of the modern West.

For these reasons, I found it intolerable after 2003 to support the movement that goes by the name "conservative" in America.

I cannot support a movement that claims to believe in limited government but backed an unlimited domestic and foreign policy presidency that assumed illegal, extra-constitutional dictatorial powers until forced by the system to return to the rule of law.

I cannot support a movement that exploded spending and borrowing and blames its successor for the debt.

I cannot support a movement that holds torture as a core value.

I cannot support a movement that holds that purely religious doctrine should govern civil political decisions and that uses the sacredness of religious faith for the pursuit of worldly power.

I cannot support a movement that is deeply homophobic, cynically deploys fear of homosexuals to win votes, and gives off such a racist vibe that its share of the minority vote remains pitiful.

I cannot support a movement that would back a vice-presidential candidate manifestly unqualified and duplicitous because of identity politics and electoral cynicism.

I cannot support a movement that regards gay people as threats to their own families.

I cannot support a movement that does not accept evolution as a fact.

I cannot support a movement that refuses to distance itself from a demagogue like Rush Limbaugh or a nutjob like Glenn Beck."

There's more, and it's brilliant. Food for thought, people, food for thought.

Happy Thanksgiving -- Really

2009-11-25T23:21:00.004-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

This is a great holiday for a lot of reasons: great food, gathering with family and friends, spending time thinking about what you are truly thankful for, and no gift-giving stress. You can enjoy Thanksgiving without running around gathering presents, baskets of eggs or heart-shaped boxes of candy. It exists simply for us to share a meal and remember that no matter the hardships we may be facing, we are blessed to be Americans and to have love in our lives.

Princess #4 is hosting Thanksgiving this year, her first as a (kind of) newlywed. She's breaking out the wedding china and good silver and even making a turducken. Best of all, she actually spoke to MARTHA STEWART on the radio to get tips on making the perfect Thanksgiving meal. How cool is that? With St. Martha's blessing we can't lose. After dinner we'll play Rummy Royal for pennies, our traditional family game. There will be great food and drink and a lot of laughter. I can't wait. :-)

I do feel incredibly blessed. I hope you do, too.

Here is a little bit of a message President Obama sent to supporters earlier today, which I think is worth sharing:

"Our families are bound together through times of joy and times of grief. They shape us, support us, instill the values that guide us as individuals, and make possible all that we achieve.

So tomorrow, I'll be giving thanks for my family -- for all the wisdom, support, and love they have brought into my life.

We are grateful beyond words for the service and hard work of so many Americans who make our country great through their sacrifice. And this year, we know that far too many face a daily struggle that puts the comfort and security we all deserve painfully out of reach.

When we gather tomorrow, let us also use the occasion to renew our commitment to building a more peaceful and prosperous future that every American family can enjoy."

Amen, brother.

Dear Sarah Palin Fans, (this post is rated R)

2009-11-23T22:26:00.003-06:00

THIS IS WHY WE HATE YOU:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/23/palin-supporters-struggle_n_367800.html

My blood is boiling right now. At first this video is funny, because the people standing in line to see Palin are so unbelievably stupid that you have to laugh. They're fucking hillbillies, talking about how great Sarah Palin is and how she's going to save America. But when asked exactly what she stands for...they have no idea.

One guy says that Sarah lives "across the street from Russia" so she knows foreign policy.

A woman says that as governor of Alaska, Sarah had "top security clearance, because if the borders are attacked she's in charge." WHAT?

Another lady says Sarah will "drill, baby, drill," for oil and gas! Really? Both OIL and GAS? Wow. That's great. So Sarah can just become the president and the drilling will begin immediately and end our dependence on foreign oil. Is that how you think it works? Fucking moron.

Then there's the guy who wants Palin to win in 2012 but concedes that she can't because "Obama is naturalizing all the illegal aliens right now" and there aren't enough white people to off-set those votes. Yep, they're gonna take over the election. Be very afraid. The best part is right at the end, where the guy says he gets all this great information from watching Fox News.

And then there's the guy who says that President Obama (YEAH, A BLACK MAN'S THE PRESIDENT YOU FUCKING HILLBILLY. GET OVER IT) wrote two books where he laid out all his ideas for ruining this country, including all of his "Marxist, Leninist and socialist ideas." Gee, did you actually READ those books? No, of course not. No places to color. Well I did. The first one was written in 1995 when he was right out of law school. It is about, and ONLY about, his family, his father, his path to knowing his African heritage, and trying to help the poor in Chicago. The other book, The Audacity of Hope, talks about his hopes and dreams for a stronger America, including chapters on faith, race, the Constitution and his goal of bi-partisan cooperation. Ooh, scary. And speaking of the Constitution, he knows and respects it. He taught Constitutional law, for Christ's sake. He knows more about the Constitution than you and me and 99% of the people in this country.

You can laugh at the morons - they're like a Saturday Night Live skit, for Christ's sake - but THESE PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO VOTE. That's terrifying. They have no idea what they're talking about or what Palin stands for or what the truth is. I know that this is the price we pay for living in a democracy, and believe me, I wouldn't change it for the world, but that doesn't mean this kind of thing doesn't make me sick to my stomach.

I feel a little better after ranting. Peace out.

The Politics of Penises and Pregnancies

2009-11-19T16:46:00.003-06:00

An astute reader brought to my attention a new drug in the fight against a disease that afflicts an enormous number of men in America, causing untold pain, suffering and humiliation, and ruining families, marriages and lives. I am speaking, of course, about erectile dysfunction.

Yes, apparently having three choices of pills (Viagra, Levitra and Cialis), along with numerous homeopathic and surgical options, is not enough to combat the terror of limp dick syndrome. Now there is a new option, a pill called Avanafil. The manufacturer has released studies that show it works in 20-30 minutes, much faster than the other medicines. No more waiting, ladies!

I am not surprised, sadly, since BILLIONS of dollars are spent every year on research, production and distribution of dick pills. Seriously. I looked it up. $3.8 billion in sales alone, not including research and development. And more than half of insurance companies cover the pills.

So I am just going to sit back now and wait for Congress to debate the merits of health insurance coverage for erectile dysfunction remedies. I'm sure it will be a raucous debate, with all those conservatives insisting that there is no need to provide coverage for this unnecessary and elective medical intervention. Surely tax payer dollars should not be going to insurance companies that would pay for grandpa and grandma to get it on, or for some wrinkled old CEO to bang his secretary, or for some sex offender to get his jollies (this happens more than you think - Google it). That would be wrong and we won't stand for it.

(Crickets.)

Yeah, I know that's not going to happen. Why is it that a bunch of crabby old white men can get all up into our uteruses like they own the joint but impotence is a dirty word? Why doesn't a female Senator demand that no tax payer dollars go to treat erectile dysfunction? Why in the world is abortion - which is still legal, by the way - even coming into the discussion? Has no one figured out the the penis and the pregnancy are related? Apparently the Republican National Committee knows this because until this week the RNC's own health insurance covered abortions. You read that right - Michael Steele just found out about it and canceled that coverage, but it has been there since the early '90s.

So if the conservatives get their way, is the morning-after pill going to be covered for a rape victim? After all, Sarah Palin and her friends equate the morning-after pill to abortion. Did you know that Palin actually passed a law in Alaska that rape victims be charged for the cost of the rape kit used to collect evidence? Yes, I checked. She found out that the rape kit contains a pill to stop an impending pregnancy and she refused to use tax payer dollars for the kit, so now if you get raped in Alaska (which is more likely to occur than in any other state in the nation) you will receive an invoice from the state for the rape evidence kit. Nice, huh? Raped once by a thug and again by Sarah Palin.

Now, I'm not saying that abortion should be used as birth control. Birth control should be used as birth control. For every government dollar spent on birth control, $4 is saved in expenses related to unwanted pregnancies. But when birth control fails, rape or incest has occurred, or the mother's health (and yes, that includes mental health) is at risk, abortions should remain safe and legal.

I did not invent the opening description of erectile dysfunction for comic effect, although I could have. I took it from various men's health websites. Which helps me make this point: whether you like it or not, legal abortion counts as women's health care, just as much as Viagra counts as men's health care.

Bucher-McBride Divorce, Take Two

2009-11-19T15:27:00.007-06:00

Paul Bucher has filed for divorce for a second time from conservative "family values" skank ho Jessica McBride. As you recall, her affair was the subject of my first blog post, and I updated the saga when he filed for divorce in September. (You can read those posts in the archives.) He withdrew the filing, and I speculated about the conditions he must have set to take her back. Well, either those conditions did not include "Don't have sex with other men," or she didn't quite grasp that he meant it.

Bucher has re-filed for divorce with the same request for primary custody of their 4-year old daughter (poor little thing) including child support and maintenance. (Maintenance? Isn't he an attorney? Is she making more than he does?)

Apparently the gloves are off, as Bucher went public with his story that he has "evidence" (I shudder to think what it is) that McBride and Milwaukee Police Chief Ed Flynn in fact did not end their affair, and had sex on September 14th. Pretty specific, there. I really wonder what he means by "evidence."

Anyway, the point of this post, other than glorious schadenfreude (look it up), is the rather disturbing way Bucher blames the infidelity on Flynn. Here's what he said to WTMJ, describing his confrontation with Flynn:

"He was somewhat taken aback," Bucher said. "I asked him if he thought having sexual contact and intercourse with my wife in September on the 14th was conducive to trying to solve my marriage problems and his marriage problems. He indicated it was not," Bucher said.

Bucher has now called for Chief Flynn to resign, "because he is a public official, I believe he needs to be held accountable." He added, "He has crushed our family."

Okay, "HE" has crushed your family? Did wifey-poo not have a part in this? It takes two to tango, dude. I do not buy the "confused little lady couldn't stand up to big brawny police officer" defense. She knew exactly what she was doing. She CHOSE to have sex with this man knowing full-well you were willing to give her a second chance. Since the alleged sex happened before his initial divorce filing and subsequent withdrawal, I'm thinking she begged his forgiveness claiming the affair had been over for months. When he found out otherwise, he gave up on the marriage.

Mayor Tom Barrett stands behind the police chief, as do the members of the Fire and Police Commission. The fact is, the crime rate has dropped every quarter since he was hired. We need that to continue. As morally wrong as an extra-marital affair may be, it is not illegal. What he did was not a criminal act, and I don't think it should be held against him as Chief of Police. However, and it's a big however, he needs to take care of this. Marriages can survive infidelity; they can even come out of it stronger. But you have to choose, Chief Flynn. Either put your dick back in your pants and end the distraction, or divorce your wife (who doesn't even live in this state, so how healthy is that relationship?) and move on. Same goes for McBride. Accept the fact that you are unwilling to remain faithful to your husband and move on. And the next time you feel the urge to write about "family values" and how much better you are than the rest of us, close the laptop and walk away. You have lost your credibility on that issue.

They did it AGAIN!

2009-11-18T17:10:00.003-06:00

Only a week after Sean Hannity had to apologize for using old footage to manipulate the viewers, Faux News did AGAIN today!

Sarah Palin drew crowds in Michigan at a book signing, and Fox showed footage from a CAMPAIGN RALLY last year and said "here's the footage just coming in...look at those crowds!" Jesus Christ! What is with these people?! Who's cueing their footage, an intern from a school for the blind?

Meanwhile, MSNBC was broadcasting from the actual event, in a mall in Grand Rapids.

MSNBC: 1, Faux News: 0.

R.I.P. Hideous T-Shirt

2009-11-14T17:47:00.004-06:00

My husband has a t-shirt that someone gave him to celebrate his Master's Degree. It is navy blue with white letters that say "Da Yoopers School for Da Truly Ungifted." Yeah, ha, ha, ha. I guess that was funny at one time. Anyway, the shirt has deteriorated to the point where there are huge holes under both arms, it has permanent stains of unknown origin, the hems along the neck and arms are shredded, the front is attached to the back by threads, and the holes along the collar are so big the tag just falls out the other side.

I hate this shirt. It is stretched out completely and just hangs on him like a rag. Worse than a rag. Every rag I have is in better shape than this shirt. Still, he insisted he liked it and it was "comfortable" to wear with his lounge pants around the house. (Even he would never wear it out in public.) I don't know why it would be any more comfortable than the other 37 worn out t-shirts he owns, but whatever.

I did not have the heart to throw it away, but I did hide it. Whenever he wore it I would wash it (hoping it would disintegrate in the washer) and then hide it way in the back of another drawer. Out of sight out of mind. But he always found it again. (Drat!) Seriously, he looks worse than a homeless person in this hideous thing. The Salvation Army would reject it. The naked savages in National Geographic would not even recognize it as clothing. It's bad.

Don't believe me? Here it is:

This photo doesn't do justice to the holes, but you get the idea. This morning I woke up and it was draped over a chair in the bedroom with a sticky note on it (as you see in the photo.) The note reads, "Do Your Worst." He's giving in. The t-shirt can be put out of its misery. Saints be praised!

So what should I do with it? He is not really the sentimental type, so I don't need to save it and turn it into a wreath or some bullshit. I suppose I could keep it for really yucky clean up jobs where you just want to throw the rag away. The point is, I never have to see it on him again, and it wasn't a battle. He just realized I was right and gave in. Smart move, Baby.

Sammy Sosa Responds to My Request for a Statement

2009-11-11T19:56:00.004-06:00

So this is what Sammy says about his suddenly white complexion (from the Associated Press):

"Sammy Sosa says a cosmetic cream he uses to soften his skin is the reason for his lighter skin tone.

The former Chicago Cubs slugger was photographed at the Latin Grammy awards in Las Vegas last week with a noticeably whiter face.

Sosa says he has been using the cream for a long time, and combined with bright TV lights, it made his face look whiter than it really is. Sosa says he is not trying to look like late pop star Michael Jackson and is not suffering from any skin illness.

Sosa made his remarks on the Univision Spanish network. He declined to identify the cream.

Sosa, who turns 41 on Thursday, hit 609 homers over 18 seasons in the majors with the Cubs, White Sox, Rangers and Orioles. He hasn't appeared in a big league game since 2007. "

Yeah. I'm not sure I buy this explanation. Let's look at the evidence again:

You will note that his skin is lightened all over his head - his ears (even the inside), his scalp (right past the hairline), his eyelids and his neck. I bet his sinuses are whiter. Is this the way men, or even women for that matter, use "cosmetic cream" to "soften" their skin? What dude cares about how soft his skin is in the first place? Ladies, when you moisturize do you rub the stuff into your ears and eyelids? I'm thinking no.

Also, if you were using a cream, all over your entire head, and your skin turned THIS pale (he is a black man, remember), wouldn't you freak the fuck out and stop using it? And how bright were those lights? Did the white people just disappear?

Sorry, Sammy, I'm not buyin' it.

Sunny Day, Sweepin' the Clouds Away...

2009-11-11T13:57:00.005-06:00

I watched the 40th Anniversary episode of Sesame Street yesterday. Partly because Michelle Obama was on, but mostly because all the talk about the anniversary stirred up fond memories from my childhood. Sesame (as we called it - just one name, like Cher), then Mr. Rogers, the Electric Company, School House Rock. All awesome educational shows.

I heard a show on NPR where they were talking about some of the changes in the modern version of the show, so I thought I would see it for myself.

The lyrics of the classic opening song are the same, but the tune is slightly jazzier. Many of the same characters are there, Big Bird, Snuffleupagus (were his eyelashes always that long?), Grover, Cookie Monster, Bert and Ernie. Oscar the Grouch wasn't in the episode but he's still around, I'm sure. And get this, Bert and Ernie are in CLAYMATION now! What's up with that? They had a whole little segment where they were detectives. It was about whistling, I think. And ducks. Cookie Monster is still the same, but now cookies are a "Sometimes Food" because we're all healthy. Even Kermit made a cameo appearance in a segment about frogs. We didn't have Elmo when I was a kid, and I find him kind of annoying. What's with the referring to himself in the third person? Don't teach kids that! So obnoxious.

Most of the human characters are still there, too. Mr. Hooper died - he's an Asian guy now. Bob is a feeble (I mean really feeble) old man with dyed hair, but he's still there. Gordon is bald, Maria's past menopause, but they're all there, plus a bunch of new people.

So the show started with Big Bird complaining about being cold, and this guy who's a "bird real estate agent" tries to get him to move to a new "habitat." That was the "Word on the Street" - Habitat. Good educational stuff there. The real estate guy raps about habitats - there's something you didn't see in the old version - rapping. Oy.

They still do a letter and a number of the day, too. The number, of course, was 40. The letter was H. H as in Habitat, Hair, Hula Hoop, Hands and Head. H could also stand for "Hardly any Honkies." There were like two white kids on the whole show. The forced diversity is actually kind of funny. In the segment with the First Lady they talked about planting a garden and eating fresh vegetables, and she had one white kid, one black kid and one Asian kid. Most of the segments had blacks, Asians and the brownish kids that could pass for either white or Latino. There was exactly one blond girl and one redhaired boy. And kids in wheelchairs, of course. I joke, but this is a good thing. You have to start early to teach kids that there are many kinds of people in the world.

In addition to claymation Bert and Ernie (still living together, still sharing a bedroom - ahem) the segments with Abby Cadaby the little girl fairy are completely CG animation. It was a pretty cute little segment where they're chasing a Gerbilcorn (a mix between a gerbil and a unicorn) at the preschool for fairies. I think it was about social interaction or something. Not a lot of learning going on.

There were plenty of references that only parents (and maybe the gay kids) would get - "Open the Door Zsa Zsa Gabor" is one of Abby's spells, and the frog segment featured Jumpy Garland singing "Come on Get Hoppy." Super corny but cute.

Overall, still one of the best shows on TV for children. They learn about computers and email - Grover appears via a Youtube-like video in a distance learning program from the rainforest and there's a progress bar at the bottom of the screen drawn in crayon. Good attention to detail!

The funniest thing, though, was at the end. Some orange muppet who acted as the host and emcee says "See you next time on The Street. Peace." Awesome.

Seriously, Fox News, Digital Recordings Exist

2009-11-11T13:48:00.004-06:00

Couldn't let this one slide. My secret boyfriend Jon Stewart once again had to remind our friends at Faux News, Sean Hannity in particular, that they really need to get a refresher course in how TV works. Watch the hilarity here:

http://mediamatters.org/mmtv/200911100063

If there is anyone out there who watched this in real time, please tell me if you noticed what Jon noticed. I know that if you were putzing around the house and not really paying attention you could miss it, but do you see it now? How can this possibly be defended? I mean REALLY.

And another thing, if you are a Faux News viewer, aren't you just a little pissed that Hannity thinks you are so stupid and gullible that he can just use any old footage he has hanging around and you'll buy it? I cannot begin to imagine how this story was compiled and not one person in the room said, "Uh, you can totally tell that's a different event on a different day, in a different month, of a different season."

SIGH.

Revelation Weekend

2009-11-09T10:36:00.005-06:00

Three major revelations this past (very busy) weekend.

First, Kirstie Alley was on Oprah the other day for an episode about celebrities' first jobs. Kirstie's was as a "home maker" (house cleaner) for a wealthy family in her neighborhood. She went back to the same house and cleaned for them - cute bit. But here's the great part: her secret to a sparkling and germ-free bathroom is - CHEAP VODKA. Yes, she buys the cheapest vodka possible and uses it to clean the bathroom. (Her kids were on and confirmed that she is a clean-freak and their house is always spotless.) She says rubbing alcohol works, of course (same concept), but there is vodka that is cheaper than the same quantity of rubbing alcohol. That, actually, is a strange revelation in itself - vodka that is so cheap and nasty it's more expensive to buy rubbing alcohol??? Blech.

Anyway, I tried it with the rubbing alcohol. Unbelievable. Works so great. I just sloshed some alcohol on the sink, around the faucet, and wiped with an old washcloth. The chrome sparkles, the soap scum and water stains come right off, and the Formica counters are perfectly clean and super shiny with no residue at all. You can just take the same rag and clean the mirror, too. No residue, no streaking, just absolutely clean and shiny. I did the kitchen sink, too. I am so impressed. The slight medicinal smell dissipates within minutes. I don't know if I can fathom the idea of keeping a jug of cheap vodka under the bathroom sink (Kirstie joked "this doesn't work if your maid is an alcoholic") but I will definitely stock up on rubbing alcohol at Walgreens the next time they have one of their buy-one-get-one sales, which happen pretty often.

The second revelation this weekend was that there is apparently one Republican in the House of Representatives with a conscience! Louisiana Rep. Joseph Cao was the lone Republatard vote for health care reform. He said he knows his party is pissed, but he had to vote "his conscience."

"I read the versions of the House [health reform] bill. I listened to the countless stories of Orleans and Jefferson Parish citizens whose health care costs are exploding – if they are able to obtain health care at all. Louisianans needs real options for primary care, for mental health care, and for expanded health care for seniors and children."

Finally, one guy who admits that he represents more than rich white people. This just highlights one of the most disgusting parts of the health care debate: some of the poorest districts in the South, where health care reform and assistance are desperately needed, are represented by Republicans who don't give a shit about the people who are suffering. All they care about is money - keeping it for themselves and their rich friends. UGH. I could go on forever, and I will, but that's for another day.

Finally, Sammy Sosa is a white man now. Check out this photo comparison:

WTF? Seriously? The first photo is from just a few months ago, the other is from a few days ago. Uh, are we not supposed to notice the difference? There are rumors that he has virtiglio (or whatever), that skin pigmentation disease that Michael Jackson had. If that's the case, make a public statement about it, dude. Otherwise the speculation will run rampant, just like it did with my beloved MJ.

Okay, gotta run and make a sandwich for the hubby. Then I have to write an entire paper on Karl Marx (his economic theories - not communism), the first draft of which is due at 6 tonight. Oy. I'll post some of it here someday. Marx got a bad rap because of the whole communism thing. Some of his theories about capitalism and other economic issues were right on.

You Must See "This is It"

2009-10-29T21:45:00.003-05:00

Just got back from seeing Michael Jackson's "This is It". Run, don't walk, to your nearest theater and SEE THIS MOVIE.

In case you have been living under a rock, this is the movie that was made from the footage shot during rehearsals for what would have been a 50-concert final public performance for the genius that is Michael Jackson. The movie is a documentary, really, giving us mortals a glimpse into the world around Michael Jackson. It is quite amazing to realize you are seeing something that only a few dozen people have ever seen. Unless you were among the lucky few to be chosen as dancers, or in his band or production crew, you would never be able to see Jackson in rehearsal. I said to my friend, "This is the most we have ever heard him speak." This is the chance for you to see him in a casual way, making jokes, chatting with people, insisting on perfection (but always "with love") and just being himself, as normal as you can be when you are so blessed and so burdened.

He was very thin, yes, and dressed in some crazy outfits - but to be fair, so were the back up dancers. The thing is, this 50-year old man was not only keeping up with dancers half his age, he was putting them to shame. He still had it - the moves, the voice, the incredible gift for drama and timing. He was absolutely throwing his whole self into a celebration of his relationship with his fans.

You see and hear the music and the dancing, of course, but you also see the films and special effects that were developed for this concert but never used. A revamped version of the graveyard scene from Thriller (in 3D), an army of dancers created with CG, a film noir back-drop for "Smooth Criminal," a lush rainforest being destroyed. The rainforest scene includes an impassioned speech where Jackson pleads with us to listen to our planet and respect it, before it's too late. Just spine-tingling.

The other thing that stuck me was how truly loving, gentle and spiritual this man was. I find myself thinking more and more about his children, and how harsh their world must be without him.

Seeing this movie makes you know, for sure, that there will never be another entertainer like Michael Jackson. As my friend said, it is just a crying shame that we are seeing this because he's gone.

John Maynard Keynes was Gay!

2009-10-26T21:56:00.002-05:00

Wow - I did not realize it has been so long since the Stupid Shoes post! Sorry about that, for the four of you who read this. :-D

So here's the revelation of the day - John Maynard Keynes, super famous brilliant economist (1883-1946), was gay! I did not know that, probably because people just never acknowledge the contributions of gay people in society outside of the arts. Whenever you read or hear the phrase "Keynsian economics" this is the guy they're talking about. Keynes married eventually, because he was famous and needed a hostess, but the list of his male lovers was long and documented. This fact was included in the chapters on him that we are reading for my History of Economic Thought class. It was great because his lovers were included in a very nonchalant way, as a simple fact of his life and not as an oddity or a scandal. Perfect.

In other news, quite the opposite, I am sorry to report that Sarah Palin will be giving a "speech" (if you can call what she does "speaking") in West Allis on November 6th. So if the air smells a little stupid, racist or homophobic that day, you'll know why. No need to panic. She'll leave soon after, if in fact she shows up at all. She has been a no-show for all but one of her supposed speaking engagements outside of Alaska. God, I hate her so much.

Let's see...what else... OH! Here's a little tip. If you are making a savory dish and don't have any milk, you can use Ranch dressing as a substitute. I was making scalloped potatoes from a box mix the other night (don't judge) and realized half-way through that we didn't have any milk. The box called for 3/4 of a cup of milk. I used about half a cup of Hidden Valley Ranch dressing and a little water and it turned out great. Really tasty, with the nice herbs from the dressing.

That's it for now. If you have any good emergency substitution tips, leave a comment. Also, a friend and I are going to see the Michael Jackson movie "This is It" this week and I'll tell you all about it!

The Stupidest Shoes I've Ever Seen

2009-10-10T15:21:00.005-05:00

I used to think that these were the ugliest, stupidest shoes I had ever seen:

Yes, they are split at the big toe like cow hooves. How in bloody hell did anyone think this was a good idea? The woman in the photo above is Sarah Jessica Parker. Jesus. How can she go from gorgeous Manolo Blahnik pumps to these monstrosities? Seriously, how much money did they pay her to put these on and be photographed in them? No matter how much, it wasn't enough. No surprise, she was never seen in them again.

Now, as I said, those USED TO BE the ugliest shoes ever created. These, gentle readers, are just a few of the creations from Alexander McQueen's collection for spring/summer 2010:

Can you even believe this??? And these aren't the worst of them - just the best photo I could find. See that thing in the middle? The models were wearing ankle boots like that that were painted to look like bugs. I am not kidding. All of the models were wearing these ridiculous shoes and could barely walk. The dresses, hair and makeup were all completely hideous and you could just tell the models were thinking "Please, Lord, just get me off this runway without breaking a leg so I can hide somewhere and reclaim my life."

Okay, here's a photo I just found of one of the models:

Doesn't she look beautiful and glamorous? Don't you just wanna run right out and get a dress and shoes like this? Aren't you glad millions of dollars were spent creating and unveiling this "highly anticipated" collection? Haven't you always wanted to go out to dinner looking like a giant moth? BARF.

So dumb. This is why real people don't "get" high fashion. It's a completely stupid useless waste of time and money. If there is one good reason in the world why these shoes or ugly-ass clothes should exist I would like to know what it is.

The Difference Between Men and Women

2009-10-06T16:39:00.003-05:00

I should be studying for tomorrow night's Economics exam, but I am frantically cleaning because a woman is coming in the morning to assess my worth as a human being.

Well, actually she is coming to assess the value of our condo for a re-finance, but as any red-blooded American woman knows, she is really coming to JUDGE me and and the home I keep.

This is the difference between men and women. When the folks at Wells Fargo said we needed an assessment, Husband said "Of course. How soon can you get here?" I started wondering if I had time to buy new color-coordinated plastic bins for the closets and garage. (I don't.) When we tell men we're refinancing they say, "What rate did you get?" My mother's first words were, "Make sure the carpet looks good."

So today I did the normal dusting, vacuuming and cleaning the kitchen, but I also washed the floors, cleaned the bathrooms including the shower doors (yea for Mr. Clean Eraser!) and vacuumed the dust off the fans on the bathroom ceilings, which I usually do approximately never. I know she's gonna look up there. I also stashed half the crap on the kitchen counters into the cupboards so it looks neater and did all the laundry so there won't be a basket of dirty clothes in the closet. (I'll probably do one more in the morning with our clothes from today. I'm not even kidding.)

The biggest and most important project of the day, which I am almost done with, is using Scott's Liquid Gold on all the woodwork, doors and cupboards. If you don't know, this stuff is indeed worth its weight in gold. You spray it on a cloth and just lightly wipe the wood, and it cleans it and makes it look beautiful and glowing - not shiny or sticky. According to the can, it "restores and enhances wood's natural color, grain and luster; removes dust, deep cleans and replenishes moisture; helps protect against cracking, warping and fading; and hides nicks and scratches." I don't know what's in it, but it smells like almonds. So the assessor lady is either going to say "My! What beautiful wood!" or she's going to think "Jesus, these people drink a lot of Amaretto."

The lady is coming tomorrow at 8 a.m. EIGHT O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING. Cripes. So Husband will wake me up when he leaves for work at 7:00 and I have one hour to do the last-minute things like make the bed, Windex the bathrooms again, replace the ratty towel Husband refuses to throw away with a new one, and throw all the clutter into covered baskets. I also have to remember to remove or at least turn around the tube of foot cream I have in the shower. It's a great product called "Toe the Line," on which my 45 year-old husband wrote, with a Sharpie, the word "Camel." SIGH.

During that precious hour I also have to make myself look presentable, of course, and drink enough coffee to appear coherent. At least when she's gone I will be up and ready to study for the whole day.

You may think I am over-doing it, but I want this woman to write on her clipboard "A+! This is the most well-cared for home I have ever assessed!" Face it, women are afraid of how other women judge their housekeeping skills and will do anything to appear better homemakers than they really are. Men do things like write "camel" on a tube of "Toe the Line."

More Proof that Fox News Lies to You

2009-10-01T10:24:00.003-05:00

As if we needed more...a few days ago Glenn Beck told his astute viewers that we should fight against having the Olympics in Chicago because we can't afford it. In fact, he said, Vancouver "lost a billion dollars when they had the Olympics." Yeah, uh, when was that again Glenn?

2010.

What? 2010 is in the FUTURE, as in, the Vancouver Olympics HAVEN'T HAPPENED YET.

So seriously, how much fact checking could Mr. Beck possibly have done while writing the script for his show? How the fuck does he gather information, by listening to schizophrenics talk to themselves on the subway? Even Jon Stewart has a room full of fact-checkers, and he's on a fake news show!

We're getting the Olympics and it's going to be awesome.

UPDATE:

We didn't get the Olympics. Oh well. Woulda been awesome. I guess it makes sense that Rio gets it, since South America has never hosted an Olympics (never? didn't realize that.)

This question did come up in class though - will the "Summer Olympics" be during the Brazilian summer, which is our winter, or during the Brazilian winter, which is summer for Europe and North America? I would supppose their winter is still as warm as a regular summer, and probably better for the athletes than the super hot, humid Brazilian summers. Who knows?

Oh, REALLY......

2009-09-29T11:13:00.002-05:00

Well, this actually is a surprise: Paul Bucher has withdrawn his petition for divorce, less than a week after it was filed. Hmmmm.... wonder what that's all about. Feel free to speculate. Maybe she agreed to counseling? Maybe she agreed to wear a chastity belt? Get tested for VD? We may never know, but we will keep our ears open for details.

This might be the best thing I have ever seen on TV...

2009-09-28T09:55:00.002-05:00

...combining my love of Disney, Family Guy, black humor and plot twists:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/28/family-guy-does-disney-vi_n_301713.html

Fan-fricking-tastic.

And now for something that is a surprise to no one...

2009-09-26T14:15:00.003-05:00

Paul Bucher has filed for divorce from [that skank ho] conservative columnist Jessica McBride. McBride's affair with Milwaukee Police Chief Ed Flynn was the topic of my very first blog post.

I am sure that no one, including Jessica, is surprised by this. She may be surprised that he is asking for joint custody but primary placement of their 4-year old daughter. Apparently he is not convinced she can keep her vaj in her skirt long enough to properly care for their child.

Still convinced that it is gay marriage that threatens the great institution of "traditional marriage?"

More Fox News Insanity

2009-09-18T17:37:00.003-05:00

Do the people at Fox News understand the concept of "digital recordings" or "video tape?" Do they get that the tee vee ain't a picture box with tiny people in it actin' out the shows? Are they completely cognizant of the fact that there is a whole wide world of reality outside their studios?

I ask this, because Fox News took out a full page ad with a picture of the "Tea Party" protests in Washington D.C. that said this: "How did ABC, CBS, NBC, MSNBC and CNN miss this story?"

Uh, they didn't. They all covered it with numerous reports over the weekend. In fact, the photo used in the ad IS FROM THE CNN TOWER. Yeah, they used a photo from CNN to say that CNN didn't cover the rally. Unbelievable.

Also, Princess #2's boyfriend Bill O'Reilly made reference on his show, on Fox, to CNN's coverage of the event! So they didn't check the other stations for the truth, but they didn't check their own station either?

Fox is getting raked over the coals for this of course, as all the stations are finally fighting back against their lies. CNN showed clips of their coverage of the event and demanded an apology, which I have no faith will happen. I don't know if the other stations showed their clips, but they could of course, because the PROOF THAT FOX NEWS LIED IS ON THE DIGITAL RECORDING. Idiots.

If Fox wants to prove that they cover things that other stations won't, they should probably wait until AFTER the event to see what happens. My guess is that they produced this ad and ran it without any checking whatsoever as to its validity. They don't care that it was a huge lie. That sucks.

Distracted by Grumpy Old People

2009-09-14T11:09:00.003-05:00

I'm kind of sick of old people complaining about every goddamn thing. Especially about healthcare reform. I couldn't say this in the article I wrote for the Journal Sentinel, but I really don't think senior citizens should have any say on health care reform at all. They should be taken out of the equation all together.

Here's why: old people already have the best deal in the world with Medicare, and it's partially their fault that health care costs are so high. Many of them don't even pay taxes anymore, so they won't be affected even IF taxes go up, and that's a big IF. Health care reform will make no difference in their lives at all.

As exhibit A I present my own grandmother, who treated visits to the doctor like social events. She went as often as possible, whether or not there was really something wrong with her. I do not think she was the exception in this regard - I know from talking with friends that so many elderly people are like that. For some reason I have to wait 7 months to see a doctor for a check up but Grandma would call and get in the next day. The guy would tell her she was perfectly healthy, so she would call an ambulance the next day and see if the ER doctor had a different answer. I can remember clearly her bragging about how much medical treatment she could get "and it's all free!" No, it's not free. We're all paying for it. She once had the same (extremely expensive) test run three weeks in a row, with the same result - nothing wrong.

When did old people become so selfish? All they care about is their free shit. Never mind that the rest of the country is going broke and children are dying.

I also love it when grumpy old white men (they are always grumpy, old and white) complain about socialism and then trample you on the way to cash their Social Security checks and get some free government-funded health care. Hypocrites.

And all this whining about how health care reform is "confusing." I bet you're confused about where your socks are, too. We're supposed to take that into account? Bullshit.

Okay, got that off my chest. Y'all have a nice day now.

Tide FAIL

2009-09-13T15:18:00.002-05:00

Here's a money-saving tip: don't waste $4 on Tide Stain Release In-Wash Booster. I bought a pack because I had a coupon (for $1.50 - that's a lot). I now think that the reason they put these larger-than-usual coupons in magazines is because they knew that as soon as people realized what a rip off this product was they would never buy it again. So, big coupon, get them off the shelves, move on.

The little gel-packs go into the washer in the beginning, as the water is going in. They are supposed to work on all colors to remove both fresh and old stains. Well, they don't. And they stink to high heaven so you have to rinse twice (at least). Why oh why does Tide think that these super perfumey give-you-a-headache scents are a good idea? I don't pay $80 for my Lancome Tresor just to walk around smelling like a Tide product.

I have used the Tide Stain Release boosters in at least six laundry loads now and the only thing I noticed is that the whites seem to be a little whiter. The stains did not come out - at all. Not the new ones, not the old ones, not the big ones, not the little ones. I had to re-wash some stuff with good old Shout it Out.

So, to paraphrase my new obsession Shitmydadsays (see the blog list): Tide Stain Release, no, Shout it Out, yes.

More Proof of How Much GW Bush Sucked

2009-09-13T15:08:00.003-05:00

The Census fugures for the Bush years now show why he sucked and make me wonder even more why "some people" continue to defend him and his party.

The whole story is here:

http://politics.theatlantic.com/2009/09/closing_the_book_on_the_bush_legacy.php

Here's the summary:

Under Clinton, the median income increased 14 per cent. Under Bush it declined 4.2 per cent.
Under Clinton the total number of Americans in poverty declined 16.9 per cent; under Bush it increased 26.1 per cent.
Under Clinton the number of children in poverty declined 24.2 per cent; under Bush it increased by 21.4 per cent.
Under Clinton, the number of Americans without health insurance, remained essentially even (down six-tenths of one per cent); under Bush it increased by 20.6 per cent.

This, people, is what happens when your economic policy consists of giving tax breaks to your rich white friends and ignoring the entire rest of the country.

So now Barack Obama has to muddle through this mess and get us back on track and all he gets in return is morons calling him a communist and a Nazi. Nice.

I can't wait until Obama gets to do Ronald Reagan's "are you better off now than you were four years ago" speech because in a few years the answer will be "yes."

This Ought to be Interesting

2009-09-06T13:48:00.002-05:00

Tucked away on the ninth page of today's paper, a re-print from the Orange County Register reminds us that a new immigration rule takes effect on Tuesday. The new rule says that any employer who gets a government contract or receives stimulus funds must run their employees through E-Verify to see if they are legally allowed to work in the U.S.

While I am quite sure people will figure out a way to scam the system -- they always do -- this could give us some idea of just how pervasive illegal immigration is. Of course there are other issues too, like whether the government database against which the names will be checked is accurate and up to date. Still, this should be an interesting test of what it would be like if American employers really couldn't hire undocumented workers.

By the way, the last time we tried to do something about illegal immigrants in the work force the Republicans lobbied against it, and won. Yes, it was in 1986, during Ronald Reagan's administration, that businesses lobbied against immigration reform, because they did not want to lose their cheap (illegal) labor. Unlikely allies including the hotel industry (led by Marriott), meatpacking plants, construction firms and farmers convinced Reagan to dump reform and grant amnesty to over 2 million illegal alliens. So the next time you hear Democrats being blamed for immigration woes, remember that.

And by the way, Newt Gingrich agrees with me

2009-09-06T11:57:00.001-05:00

From Politico Live:

Two top Republicans sided Sunday with President Barack Obama on his scheduled speech Tuesday to school children.

“I have been in communication with Arne Duncan and the team at Department of Education,” former House Speaker Newt Gingrich said on "Fox News Sunday." “I believe this is going to be posted. People are going to see it in advance. It is going be a totally positive speech. If that is what it is, it is good to have the president of the United States saying to young people across America stay in school and do your homework. It’s good for America.”

Senate Republican Conference Chairman Lamar Alexander of Tennessee, a former education secretary under President George H.W. Bush, said: “Of course, the president of the United States should be able to address students.”

Parents and teachers should be able to choose whether to show the speech, Alexander said. But it is a good opportunity to give students a civics lessons, he said, and teachers should embrace the moment by showing clips of other presidents."

Well, it’s official:

2009-09-04T11:13:00.004-05:00

President Obama cannot do anything, anything, without conservatives turning it into an evil plot to take over the world.

Some conservatives are all riled up that the President is giving a back-to-school pep talk for kids, encouraging them to study hard and stay in school. They haven’t seen the text of the speech, mind you, they just know that it is a brain-washing, probably socialist sermon that will, in 15 minutes, ruin their children for life. It probably includes subliminal Muslim messages -I bet there will be a Quran on a bookshelf in the background, and the words will seep into your children's brains! Yeah! And then he'll tell them to become Communists! And Nazis! And you'll wake up in the middle of the night with little Suzy standing over you with a knife chanting "Obama says to kill my parents!"

Please, people, have a little more faith in your parenting skills. Children should be taught to respect the office of the presidency, and you as parents. How can they respect you if they think you are afraid of a 15 minute speech? Get a grip.

Les Paul's Funeral

2009-08-23T13:19:00.011-05:00

As many of you know, I worked for the Waukesha County Museum for over three years, spending much of my time attempting to raise funds and support for an exhibit about Les Paul. It was to be called "The Les Paul Experience: Music, Sound and Innovation." During that three years much of the staff lived, breathed and bled Les Paul. I learned so much about this amazing man, and was so proud that he came from Waukesha. I also made a life long friend in the museum's director, Sue Baker.

Here's me meeting Les at the museum. That's Sue between us.

We raised over $600,000 for the exhibit, but that was a drop in the bucket compared to the budget for the exhibit Les designed. (Yes, the plans were his idea - anyone who thinks they should be changed - ahem, current staff - is nuts.) The exhibit we had planned would be big and beautiful and full of state-of-the-art technology. I left the museum hoping that the work we began would be completed, and that someday Les would walk through a comprehensive exhibit about his life.

Well, he was able to walk through an exhibit, but it wasn't at the Waukesha County Museum. As the board in Waukesha continued to focus on their own egos and incredible small-mindedness, Discovery World Museum in Milwaukee walked right in and did their own Les Paul exhibit, with Les's blessing. I've seen the exhibit, and it's nice, although not nearly on the scale we had planned. I was pleased that the person who strolled with Les through the "House of Sound," as it is called, was Sue Baker, who had become a close friend of his. It was she who he relied on to be his eyes and ears in Waukesha, and it was she who helped plan his final resting place here.

When Sue called and invited me to attend Les Paul's private, family funeral, I got chills and almost cried. To say that being there was an honor and a privilege is an understatement. The service was under a tent at Prairie Home Cemetery in Waukesha. It was a cool, rainy day, kind of perfect for a sad event. Security was tight, keeping the fans a hundred feet or so from the tent but not out of the cemetery all together.

Les's grandson Gary spoke for the family, telling stories and reminding us all that Les was somebody's dad, somebody's grandpa, somebody's great-grandpa - not just the genius, musician and inventor the public knew. One of the stories he told was that when his son was about 5 or 6 he brought him to see Les play at the Iridium jazz club in Manhattan. Gary's son stood on a chair and called out "Hi Grandpa!" in the middle of the set, so Les stopped and introduced them to the audience. Then he said to the boy, "Do you want to play guitar when you grow up?" and the boy said "No, I want to play the drums." Les said "Well, I better get going inventing the Les Paul drum set!"

There were many personal stories, and many tributes. One of the most poignant things, though, was the military honor. I had forgotten that Les served in World War II. Members of the military were stationed on either side of his coffin, and along the back of the front of the tent. An American flag was draped over his casket and then folded and presented to his son, Rusty. Then from a lone trumpet, somewhere off in the cemetery, came the mournful notes of "Taps." There wasn't a dry eye in the place.

After the service we all went to the Club 400, a small tavern in Waukesha that Les's brother used to own. His mother lived in the flat upstairs for a while. Also, this was the first place that Les played with Mary Ford. (Before that she had sung with him, but this was the first place where she played bass guitar with him.) The man who owns Club 400 said that he is going to take down the sports memorabilia upstairs and replace it with Les Paul and Mary Ford pictures and items. By the way, one thing that many reports of his death included was when he "met Mary Ford." For the record, Les never "met" Mary Ford - he met Colleen Summers. He MADE Mary Ford. Picked the name out of the phone book right before their debut. He thought it sounded good and would be easy for people to remember.

The Club had been closed (and cleaned!) for the event, and the menu included the two foods that, when pressed by Sue, Les said were his favorites: grilled cheese and lemon meringue pie.

Here is a picture (blurry - I am a terrible photographer) of Les's son Rusty with Sue at the Club 400:

I gave Rusty a big hug and thanked him for sharing his dad with us.

If you want to get inspiration from Les Paul, you can visit "Les Paul's House of Sound" at Discovery World Museum in Milwaukee, or soon you will be able to visit his grave site at the Prairie Home Cemetery in Waukesha, where Les will be laid to rest in a serene, park-like setting. At his request, his mother's grave is being moved so she will be next to him. One of the things Sue said when she spoke at the funeral was that his mother was his biggest fan and supporter and that Les was finally coming home to her, permanently.

Finally, I want to share the words of WKLH radio personality Steve Palec, who emceed the event: "I can't imagine a world without music, and I can't imagine music without Les Paul. We love you, Les."

Brett Favre is Dead to Me

2009-08-18T15:01:00.003-05:00

So it's official -- Brett Favre is the biggest douchebag in the history of the Green Bay Packers. Yes, even over Tony Mandarich. If you live under a rock, you may have avoided the news that Favre signed with the hated Minnesota Vikings today. The Journal Sentinel has extensive coverage online, including several photos of Favre in his Viking helmet at practice today. I want to slap that smirk right off his douchey face.

Brett Favre will go down in history as the biggest back-stabbing fan-hater in the NFL. After 15 years of adoration by the greatest fans in football, Favre "retired" and COULD have happily lived on in the hearts of present and future Packer fans. We would have retired his number and had a parade and probably erected a gold statue at Lambeau Field. I admit I bought several "collectible" magazines and the special edition of Sports Illustrated documenting his outstanding career. But did he go softly into that good night? No. He had to keep his face in the media constantly with teasers about wanting to return to the Packers. Or not. Or yes. Or no. Or play somewhere else. Or not. Or maybe.

It was bad enough that he played for the Jets - not very well, I might add. But the Vikings? Really? Jesus, Brett, do you hate us that much? What, we didn't kiss your ass ENOUGH for 15 years? Well fuck you and the private jet you rode in on. I am done defending you. You are dead to me. Long live Aaron Rodgers, the classy, humble, talented anti-Favre.

Put a target on Favre's purple and gold back. Drinks to celebrate the first sack of the season are on me.

Finally, a Moisturizer I Like

2009-08-14T14:43:00.002-05:00

Let's take a little break from politics and talk skin care. For what seems like forever I have been looking for a daily/nightly moisturizer that doesn't feel greasy, doesn't clog my pores and create pimples, and improves my skin's appearance. Well, I finally found one I like!

L'oreal FUTUR-e is moisturizer with SPF15 protection and vitamin E. It is very light, non-greasy and absorbs into your skin very quickly. The pump is convenient and gives out exactly the right amount so there's no waste. I have been using it every night and every morning for about a month and I can see and feel a difference in my skin. I haven't had the blemishes I usually have, even during "that time of the month." I didn't have a bad wrinkle problem, but the little ones I have definitely look better. L'oreal FUTUR-e is $12.49 at Walgreen's. I am quite pleased!

The L'oreal FUTUR-e is perfect under the mineral powder foundation that I have been using for about six months now and love as well. Neutrogena Mineral Sheers Powder Foundation ($13.99 at Walgreen's) is a light foundation and powder in one product. It is quick and easy to apply with a sponge and lasts all day and evening. It's especially nice in the summer, when you don't want a goopy, heavy foundation and the loose powder that clumps when you sweat.

What's your favorite skin care product?

Bill O'Reilly must have finally seen the light

2009-08-07T11:36:00.002-05:00

Believe it or not, this wonderful piece on President Obama was written by none other than Bill O'Reilly. Yes, THAT Bill O'Reilly. He hasn't denied it yet, at least. It will be in this weekend's Parade Magazine.

What President Obama Can Teach America's Kids

These are tough times for American children for a couple of reasons. The rise of the machines means that kids can now be exposed to material on computers or cell phones that is far beyond their emotional IQ. While high-tech can be a tremendous educational tool, explicit images and conversation easily found in cyberspace can rob children of their innocence and, in some cases, put them in actual danger. Even if parents are vigilant in monitoring the machines, kids can still get the bad stuff at school and on the playgrounds, as computer access is just about everywhere.

The disruption of the traditional American family is also adversely affecting millions of children. Right now, almost 22 million American kids are living with one parent; more than 80% of those are being raised primarily by Mom.

Just 50 years ago, a child living without a father was somewhat of a rarity. Now it’s an epidemic. Thus, our modern age presents vast challenges to children, and they need to learn lessons quickly in order to prosper. And who better to teach them than the President of the United States?

As has been widely chronicled, Barack Obama had a tough childhood filled with instability and loneliness. However, that did not stop him from rising to become the most powerful man in the world. His breathtaking achievement presents five important lessons for all children.

Lesson One: Forgiveness President Obama was just 2 when his father abandoned him and his mother in Hawaii. Four years later, his mother took her little son to Indonesia after she remarried. However, the home was somewhat chaotic as they tried to adjust to their new surroundings. So when Barry, as he was called, turned 10, he was sent back to Hawaii to live with his grandparents while his mother stayed abroad. That kind of situation could ruin a child. But President Obama betrays no bitterness. In his books and speeches, he speaks lovingly of his mom. He admits she was somewhat “reckless” but also says he felt he was “the center of her universe.” As for his absent father, the President says the void he left motivated him to succeed. So, it is obvious that he is not wallowing in past pain. He does not harbor bitterness toward his parents. Instead, he accepted his situation and saw it as a challenge. He forgave his folks and embraced a positive outlook.

Lesson Two: Respect Even though his mom and dad apparently put their needs ahead of his, he speaks of them in mostly affectionate terms. He finds a way not to demean them. Patricia Saunders, a clinical psychologist who works with children in New York City, says: “ Barack Obama dealt with his family situation by understanding it. He put his own ego aside and made a decision to act respectfully toward his folks. That maturity has served him very well throughout his life.”

Lesson Three: Persistence Barack Obama had few advantages as a child but decided to fight the good fight. That is, he got up when he was knocked down. For example, in 2000, he lost his run for Congress in Illinois. He could have given up and gone into the private sector where high-salaried jobs awaited him. But he preferred public service. So, just four years later, he ran again, this time winning a U.S. Senate seat. Psychologist Ruth Peters, who counsels children in Clearwater, Fla., believes that all the hard knocks Obama took in his young life prepared him for both defeat and victory. “Some people shrink when they are faced with adversity,” she told me. “Others seem to gain momentum and are challenged when they fail. The President did not use his difficulties as an excuse to quit. He used them as motivators to persevere.” But determination must be coupled with a very specific discipline in order to succeed in life. And that is the fourth lesson from the President.

Lesson Four: Hard Work A child does not go from taking English lessons in Indonesia to editing the Harvard Law Review without doing some tough work. The President earned his present job by performing in school and, later, in his various jobs. He was smart enough to lay a foundation for success. Early on as a kid, he understood the big picture. “Barack Obama loves his work,” Saunders says. “And this is a great example for children. They must understand that work is very important and will ultimately define their lives.”

Lesson Five—perhaps the greatest lesson the President can teach children: In America, anything is possible This is something of a cliché, but never has it been more vividly illustrated. Barack Obama, a youngster in Hawaii without his parents around, has toughed it out and become one of history’s great stories, no matter what happens going forward. What he has achieved in his 48 years is simply astounding.

Consider the odds. The United States is a nation of more than 300 million citizens. Only one person is currently the Commander in Chief. That man had no fatherly guidance, is of mixed race, and had no family connections to guide him into the world of national politics.

That adds up to one simple truth that every American child should be told: “If Barack Obama can become the President of the United States, then whatever dream you may have can happen in your life.” It all depends on lessons learned.

Distracted by...The Constitution

2009-08-04T14:14:00.002-05:00

I was reading some more insane rantings about the supposed qualifications of the Presidency (I don't know why I do this to myself) and I see there is now a new thread developing. Not only is President Obama supposedly not eligible because he wasn't born here, but now "people" (is it correct to call non-sentient beings people?) are saying that even "if" he was born in Hawaii, he's still not a "natural born citizen" because his parents weren't both born here. Yes, somehow it's gotten around that the U.S. Constitution says that both your parents have to be citizens in order for you to be the President. Here's the rant that set me off:

"He is not eligible because he was not born of TWO PARENTS BOTH OF WHOM WERE UNITED STATES CITIZENS AT THE TIME OF HIS BIRTH as required by the Constitution."

Uh, those words appear no where in the Constitution. Here is what it says, and ALL it says, about eligibility:

"No Person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty five Years, and been fourteen Years a Resident within the United States."

You can look for yourself at www.archives.gov if you want. Notice that the writers do not define "natural born" in any way, and that there is no mention whatsoever of parentage. I hope I do not need to explain that at the time the Constitution was written there were few 35 year-old men whose parents would have been born in the U.S., if any, a fact that would remain true for many years. Herbert Hoover's parents weren't born here, and he was president in the 1930s. Someone responded to the above rant with this true statement:

"LOL!!! Hey genius, there have been SEVEN Presidents with only one parent who was born an American Citizen.Thomas Jefferson, Andrew Jackson, James Buchanan, Chester A. Arthur, Woodrow Wilson, Herbert Hoover, Barack Obama. You are beyond a fool, and all of you 'birthers' are completely insane."

I fail to understand why people insist on quoting or paraphrasing a document that they clearly have not read, even though it is readily available online. (It just occurred to me that this is true of both the Constitution AND Obama's birth certificate!)

Okay, that's enough of this nonsense. I have facts to digest for my history class.

Distracted by...Pageants and Pedophiles

2009-07-30T22:00:00.003-05:00

At the suggestion of Princess #2, I took one for the team and watched an episode of Toddlers and Tiaras, so that you don't have to. This show is on TLC, which is short for The Learning Channel, and boy, do these people have a lot to learn. Like the ENGLISH LANGUAGE, for starters. Yes, this show has subtitles. Oh, it's produced in America. It's just that the people are from Mississippi and Louisiana (act shocked) and you can barely understand what the hell they are saying.

I sat down with a cocktail (act shocked) thinking I was in for a half hour of idiocy. No, it's an hour long. Christ on the cross, help us. The show revolved around three victims, I mean, uh, children, and the people I will refer to as the Pedophile Enablers, or PEs for short. Most of the PEs are parents. With very bad Southern accents and very small brains.

The children are Taylor, who's 4, Makynli , 5, (WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NAME IS THAT? IT'S PRONOUNCED LIKE McKinley, AS IN PRESIDENT MCKINLEY) and a girl named Madison, whose stage name is Tootie. Madison/Tootie is 10 and speaks of herself in the third person, such as "Tootie did really good on stage today. She's really tired right now." She's talking about herself!

All three girls talk to the cameras about how much they enjoy "being perfect" and how much they want to win. The female PEs mostly try to avoid revealing how much they spend on this bullshit and work hard to convince the viewer (and themselves?) that they only do it because the girls love it and they will stop the instant the girls aren't having fun anymore. Yeah, right. One male PE says "the guys at work think this is just about psycho moms." Those guys are correct, dude. The same PE says "I don't mind the hair and makeup but I draw the line at leather and chains and fishnet stockings." Oh, good. As long as you have limits. His daughter is 5.

The three girls are taking part in the Kings and Queens of America pageant in Louisiana (act shocked). Oddly enough, the pageant director is a woman who isn't wearing any makeup and hasn't seen a comb since 1982. The children, on the other hand, have way more makeup on than the hookers on 27th and State, including fake hair, eyelashes, press-on nails, and spray tans. If you saw a grown woman with that much makeup on you would laugh out loud. At one point Taylor's female PE is saying "she doesn't mind the tan" at the SAME TIME as the little girl is crying and screaming and trying to squirm away from the tanning lady.

The children, all tarted up like hookers, prance around in three competitions: Super Model, Beauty ("facial beauty", the moms say), and American Wear. Taylor - the 4 year-old - has a red and white bikini for her "American wear" and she comes out in a skirt and then rips it off to expose her body. SHE IS FOUR. The competition continues like that - the girls, from age 1 to 12, (YES, ONE. THEY CAN'T EVEN WALK BY THEMSELVES) strut, shimmy, shake their hips, strip off articles of clothing and throw kisses to the judges. It is sickening. Refill your cocktail.

While the little ones are hard to watch, it's worse with the older girls. At 10-12 years-old they really look like young women with all that makeup and fake hair. It's really, really, really, disturbing to watch them shake their asses for a group of judges and PEs. Very, very, sickening. And gross. And their PEs should be saving that money because theses girls will need therapy.

The little one, Taylor, wins a crown (5th place) and falls asleep in her mom's lap, totally oblivious. Makynli (JESUS CHRIST WHAT A STUPID NAME) wins a crown and a live puppy (they gave away PUPPIES) and is lovin' life. Her PE is especially proud because she won the Beauty portion.

Now, as bizarre and barely watchable as this show is, the end was...sad. "Tootie" only wins one award, and it's not the one she wanted. Her mother looks at the camera and says - I am not making this up - "She didn't win Beauty. Well, we can't change her face.'' She is standing there with her ridiculous, giant wig and her ridiculous Dolly Parton makeup, and they ask her, "Were you happy when you heard your name called?" She just stares at the camera. Finally she says "I don't know. No." She turns to walk away, but stops, and says "Don't put that on TV."

Children should be cute, not sexy. People who put children in beauty pageants are sick individuals who are creating fantasies for pedophiles and children who are damaged for life. I stand by that statement 100%. Do not watch Toddlers and Tiaras. It has no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

Now, I need to freshen my cocktail (act shocked) and scrub my brain with National Geographic Channel or something.

Checking out the new Target

2009-07-26T14:14:00.002-05:00

There's a fancy new Target in our town, and it's one of those with a full grocery section (along the lines of a Super Wal-Mart). We got a really great coupon book and a $5 gift certificate in the mail to celebrate the grand opening, so I decided to check it out.

I normally do my grocery shopping at Pick 'n Save, augmented by the farmers' market and Panos' Meat and Fruit Market (a mini-market catering to the Latino market). I took my niece and nephew along and we spent (needed) an hour and twenty minutes to get the shopping done. That's longer than it usually takes me, but with an unfamiliar layout and so many distractions, it's understandable. Had I been alone it would have taken even longer because M&M did a lot of running and gathering items from other aisles. There were several items on my list that I did not get because we couldn't find them or they weren't available. And frankly, the hugeness and chaotic atmosphere of a department store and grocery store together was more than I could take. After a while I just wanted to get out of there.

The "regular" section of the Target is the same as they all are, and then the grocery section is along the left wall as you enter the store. It's fairly large, although not even close to the size of a regular grocery store. The aisles are arranged from side to side, instead of up and down the length of the store, like a traditional supermarket. For some reason that feels very claustrophobic and confusing. (Note to Target: two shopping carts barely fit side-by-side in your grocery aisles.) The selection is fine for packaged items but very slim for fresh items. If you want apples there are two choices: red and green. Yoplait Yogurt's most popular flavors are there, but I think Yoplait was the only brand available. Lettuce came in two choices: A head of Iceberg or a bag of Romaine hearts. Ground beef was in perfectly manufactured one pound packages, but if there was any other meat I did not see it. You get the idea.

Some of the prices were significantly lower than Pick 'n Save. Newman's Own organic pasta sauce was $2.19, vs. $2.82 at P&S. Jif Peanut Butter was $2.24, P&S store brand was $3.19. Frozen vegetables were $0.99 at both. Soda, a little cheaper. La Croix, 50 cents more. Milk at Target was $3.09 and the same brand only $2.36 at P&S. So there might be some cost savings if you are careful, but one also has to be aware that these might be special lower prices for the opening. It will be interesting to see if the prices start to creep up after the store has been open for a while.

Now, if you just go in to buy groceries you might save some money (especially with Target and manufacturer coupons, since they take both.) However, you're in a Target. I purchased at least $70 worth a stuff (CDs, socks, toys for the kids) that I would not have bought (or been tempted by) at a regular grocery store. That is the the business model here, I think. You may go in to save money on groceries, but they are betting that you throw a cute top and a box of Legos in there, too. So, caveat emptor.

The bottom line is this: If you need to go to Target for something else, it is worth it to pick up a few grocery items and save yourself another trip. If you are just going grocery shopping, stick to your regular grocery store.

Distracted by...Ignorance

2009-07-23T11:39:00.002-05:00

Not a lot of time right now...running off to Kiwanis meeting...but I have to get this off my chest:

A "Certificate of Live Birth" IS a "birth certificate." They are the SAME THING. In philosophy we call this an analytical proposition. Analytical propositions are necessarily true because the concept of the predicate is contained in the concept of the subject.

Another analytical proposition would be: "People who doubt President Obama's citizenship are morons."

There. Don't you feel smarter?

Distracted by...Obama's Birth Certificate

2009-07-15T11:52:00.005-05:00

This non-issue of Obama's birth certificate is back in the news, and I for one am looking forward to it being laid to rest for once (well, really for the millionth time) and for all. The Supreme Court and many courts leading up to it have already ruled that there is no legitimacy to the claim that he was not really born in Hawaii, but once again we have to give the batshit crazy moron his day in court (Alan Keyes, I'm talking to you.)

We all know that Obama's birth certificate has been available online for years, it has been certified as authentic by officials in Hawaii (including the Republican governor) and has been examined by numerous journalists. Also, his birth was announced in the local papers which any one can access in the archives. So, the conspiracy would not just have to be running through the current Hawaiian government, it would have had to start nearly 50 years ago, before his birth. ("Let's plant a fake birth announcement in the local papers just in case this baby might want to run for president one day.') Yeah, that's real plausible.

The reason I am writing about this ridiculous situation is that many of the insane rantings I read are related to wanting to see Obama's "long form" birth certificate or insisting that the one that is posted online could not be real because it doesn't include enough information. There are also many people who claim that most adults carry around their "original" birth certificates, and by that I assume they mean the one that their parents got when they were born. That, of course, is just not true. I remember seeing my "original" birth certificate (which my mother kept in a box in the linen closet) and using it to get my driver's license. Over the years it was misplaced and I got a new one. My certified birth certificate, issued by Milwaukee County, includes a lot of information - the name of the hospital, time of birth, my father's age and occupation, etc.

Now, my husband's birth certificate, which we ordered from South Dakota in order to get a marriage license (he did not have a copy - maybe he wasn't born here!) is a practically blank piece of paper that lists his name, his parents' names, his date and county of birth and the sex of the baby. That's it. No hospital, no city, no time of birth, no occupations, no nothing. It has a raised seal and other official-looking stuff, but if I scanned it and posted it the same conspiracy theorists would no doubt reject it and claim he was born on the moon or something.

My point is that states and counties all have their own birth certificate format, and to say that Obama's doesn't "look" real is just stupid. Not to mention how stupid it is to think that a young woman, in 1961, would go from Hawaii to Kenya to give birth and then somehow sneak the baby home to pretend it was born in the United States. That is ludicrous.

So bring it, Alan Keyes. And when you lose (you should be very used to losing by now) kindly shut the fuck up.

The Real Difference Between Liberals and Conservatives and What Has Become of the Republican Party

2009-07-11T15:08:00.003-05:00

I will try to be brief here, but there is a lot to talk about with this subject.

First, some definitions. One of the things I love about the classes I am taking is that I am finally learning the real definitions of ideologies that are distorted in the media. We read numerous writings of the people whose theories current day ideologies are based upon, including "the father of conservatism," Edmund Burke. He talks about how democracy is a shameful thing, how human beings should fear God, that "the consecration of the state, by a state religious establishment, is necessary," and a person who has will is selfish. Then there's Michael Oakeshott, who is writing in modern times (he died in 1990) and explains in his essay "On Being Conservative," that "to be conservative is to prefer the familiar to the unknown," and "live at the level of one's own means." Not all that bad. But then he goes on to say that change is something that must be "suffered" and that men are not natural innovators. That last bit is quite obviously false. Men are indeed innovators. It comes down to this: conservatives hate change, are afraid of adventure, are loyal friends (his ode to friendship is a bright spot), and don't believe the government should do anything but "administer the rules of the game." No public education, no social programs, no Medicare, no welfare, nothing but a strong currency and military. He does not mention anything about butting into people's bedrooms or uteruses.

Now, while this is the technical definition of what it means to be conservative, I don't think that many people who call themselves conservative actually adhere to all of it, just as people who consider themselves members of Catholic Church do not actually follow all (or even most) of the church doctrine.

After reading these and more authors, I was sure I was not "conservative." I believe in public education. I believe society should care for citizens who cannot care for themselves. I believe that innovation is the important task of man. I believe that democracy (albeit a representative democracy) is the best form of government, and I do not believe that a nation should have an established state religion. These are all tenants of what we currently call "liberalism."

Speaking of religion, this nation is NOT a theocracy, and it is NOT based on Judeo-Christian authority, as so many misguided people continue to spout. The word "God" is used in the Declaration of Independence only as part of the phrase "Nature's God." There is mention of a "Creator" and use of the word "divine." There is no mention of Jesus Christ or Christianity and indeed the writers seem to be deliberately trying to be as generic about a higher power as they could, considering the times in which they were writing. The Constitution makes no reference to God at all, and of course specifically declares that there is not to be any establishment of state religion.

Okay, this is long, but my final thought is this: The Republican Party has strayed too far from the tenets of modern conservatism by embracing the religious right. This is the party, after all, that was formed specifically to fight slavery, yet somehow they are stuck with people who are blatantly racist, and who we all know referred at Barack Obama as a "nigger" at their campaign rallies. Their original platform talks about rights, freedoms, expansion of infrastructure for trade purposes, and equality of all men. The same party that fought for civil rights in the 1960s is now fighting against civil rights. They say they want "save traditional marriage" but make no moves to do anything about the divorce rate or philandering in their own elected officials. All to appease the religious right whose votes they think they need.

European democracies have political parties that embrace religion and run on that platform truthfully. Germany has a party actually called the "Christian Democratic Union." I think the Republican Party should go back to what it means to be a true conservative, with liberty and small government, and let the Christian right here in the U.S. form their own party and stand on their own. If those people want run on their platform of racism, misogyny, homophobia and theocracy, so be it. They will not win in this nation.

I honestly don't know if the name "Republican" has been too tarnished to be of any more use, but perhaps it can be successfully rebranded. This country needs two strong parties, and one should be a true conservative party, not what has become of the Republican Party.

Distracted by...Tori & Dean and Adoption

2009-07-11T14:48:00.002-05:00

I was not a Tori Spelling fan when she was in 90210. Never watched it. I discovered her one night when I was flipping around and her show So NoTORIous was on VH1. It was an over-the-top fake version of her real life. It was self-deprecating and hilarious. I became a fan, and I love Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood. Both her books are funny and thoughtful and I highly recommend them. (sTORI telling and Mommywood.)

On the last episode, Tori's very good friends, a couple named Bill and Scout (two men) announce that they are going to adopt. (Cheers, tears of happiness - they are sooooo great with Tori's kids.) On the T&D website there was a little video of Bill and Scout at the adoption agency learning about the process they will have to go through - tons of forms and questionnaires, home visits, career and financial questions, complete biographies, letters of support, medical reports - you name it. They need to know every single thing about your life to determine if you are suitable parents for a child who has no parents at all. There was no indication the process would have been any different for a hetero couple.

This got me wondering - why is the adoption process so intense and difficult, when any moron can go out and have a child and society doesn't care unless they nearly kill them? I mean, when horrible people - who should not have had children - neglect or abuse them to the point where the children are removed by Social Services, the goal is always to return the children to the horrible parents at the first sign of stability. But when perfectly normal people want to care for the children no one else wants they have to prove they are perfect. This makes no sense. I think that if the process was not so egregious (and expensive) a lot more people would consider adoption. Nobody's perfect, so aren't less-than-perfect adoptive parents better than no parents?

Distracted by...Feud with Princess #2!

2009-07-06T18:14:00.002-05:00

Yowza! I guess my post about Bill O'Reilly, which I thought was hilarious (and so did a lot of other people) really pushed a button with Princess #2!

Okay, so I do not have time to write all the reasons Fox News (the cable channel - not the local folks) and Bill O'Reilly make my blood boil. Fortunately, there are numerous websites devoted to it. Check out:
www.newshounds.com or

www.oreilly-sucks.com

There you go.

Now, as for the assumptions about where I get my news, here's a partial answer:

CNN, on tv and online (I do not watch MSNBC - I do watch Rachel Maddow on line occasionally)
I do not watch local news - I get local news from blogs and the Journal Sentinel
The Associated Press website
Yahoo News
The Advocate and Human Rights Campaign for news about gay issues
Huffington Post (this is a full-on addiction)
Fivethirtyeight.com for UNBIASED polls and trend analysis
Poltico.com
Whitehouse.gov - yes, I like to read the press releases as they were written and see how they are interpreted in the news
Freedomhouse.org

There are many, many others, which is the point. You can't get all your news from one source. I hope we can at least agree on that.

As for wine, I enjoy Pinot Gris with food, but I still like a nice crisp Chardonnay the best.

Tomorrow I will expound upon why I know I am a liberal (which means that the current incarnation of the Democratic Party is where my vote goes), why I know I am not a conservative and most likely never will be, and what I think the Republican Party needs to do if it is to survive, much less regain power. (This is not snarkiness - fewer than 25% of adults align themselves with the GOP.) This includes my assertion that a viable third party should be formed in this country, and I am not talking libertarian or independent.

The burgers are coming off the grill. Ta ta for now.

Happy Independence Day!

2009-07-04T14:01:00.001-05:00

Happy 4th of July! Hope you have a wonderful day with family and friends. This nation is truly worth celebrating.

Distracted by...Products that Disappoint

2009-07-03T23:23:00.003-05:00

I tried a couple of laundry products recently that I cannot recommend to you.
1 - Tide with Bleach Alternative in Clean Breeze Scent. Now, I love Tide. I use it exclusively. Tide Total Care is awesome. The Clean Breeze Scent, unfortunately, is absolutely obnoxious. Even after a double rinse cycle the smell is overpowering. I am going to give the rest of it away.

2- Sun Oxygen Cleaner - this is the Oxy Clean knock-off that my mother said made a huge difference in her laundry. She said the whites are whiter and the colors are brighter. I have to say, I didn't notice the difference at all. I'll try it a few more times and tell you if something changes, but for now it's a waste of time and money.

That's it for now. Tomorrow we are doing a whiskey taste-test at Princess #4's Fourth of July barbecue, so I'll let you know how that goes!

Distracted by...My Car's Birthday

2009-07-03T23:18:00.003-05:00

Well, kind of. Today my odometer turned over to 50,000 and I missed it. Kinda sad. I really kept an eye on it and then I started grooving to a good song on an old Quincy Jones tape I have and, well, you know what happened. All of a sudden I see this:

Poop a doop! Oh well.

Jesus Christ My Computer's Broken Again

2009-07-03T23:09:00.002-05:00

Seriously, WTF? I logged on and checked a couple websites (CNN and the Journal, not, like, shady porn sites) and all of a sudden it started freaking out. I can get to my home page but then it won't let me open anything or open a different site. It just makes that annoying chime sound when I click. SIGH.We have to take it to iNet to get the hard drive data transferred anyway, so they can fix it I guess. For now I'm back to the crappy old lap top like this is the fucking Flintstones or something. Goddammit.

Oh well, I still have the Palin train wreck and a gin and tonic to keep me happy. :-)

Distracted by...The 4th of July Fairy

2009-07-03T17:27:00.002-05:00

I must have been a very good girl this week because the 4th of July Fairy just gave me the best gift! Hold on to your Uncle Sam hat - Sarah Palin in resigning as Governor of Alaska!

Bwaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaahhhhhhaaaaaaa!!!!!

What a fucking moron! She says she's resigning because she wants to "affect change outside of government" and doesn't want to be a "lame duck" since she will not be seeking another term. Uh, listen sweetie, lame duckness might not be fun but the people elected you (in a drunken stupor, I can only assume) and you have an obligation to them to complete your term! Do your fucking job!

Obviously this is not a cut-and-dry story. Something huge is going to come out.

Ed Rollins was just on CNN calling the decision "stupid" and "foolish," and this is the guy who supported her all along as a VP candidate!

Man, this will really be something to toast to on Independence Day. Declare your independence from stupid bimbos from Alaska! Woo hoo! Here, Sarah, hold on to this lit firecracker - I'll be right back...

Back in the Saddle

2009-06-29T23:06:00.002-05:00

No distraction now - new hard drive was installed by genius husband and I feel like myself again. Ahhhhhhhh. Mama missed you, my sweet baby Dell.

Back to the philosophy exam!

Tomorrow I will rate some new laundry products. Stay tuned to find out if you should run to the store or save your money.

Distracted by...Navin Johnson

2009-06-29T11:57:00.003-05:00

The new hard drive is here! The new hard drive is here!

Remember the movie "The Jerk" (1979) with Steve Martin? His character Navin (what the hell kind of a name is that?) gets all excited when the new phone books arrive? Man, that is a funny movie. A must-see and a must-own. I wonder if there's a collector's edition or something.

Anyway, the new hard drive just arrived. I was downstairs and saw the FedEx truck pull up, so I waited in the foyer. And waited. And checked my email on my Blackberry. And waited. Finally went back up stairs and he rang the doorbell 15 seconds later. Bastard was probably waiting for me to get back upstairs.

Speaking of the Blackberry, it has made life tolerable in the absence of my precious laptop. If I would have to be checking constantly on this slow, old one I would have lost it.

Other distraction today was bleaching out the inside of our garbage bin, which husband said was making him "almost puke." Ah, the glamorous life of this Distracted Housewife.

Now, back to the philosophy take-home exam. Knowledge is knowledge of the Cause! I exist because I doubt!

Distracted by...Family Tragedy

2009-06-26T14:24:00.003-05:00

While I was trying to wrap my brain around Michael Jackson's death, our family experienced another tragedy from which it will be very hard to recover. I'm not talking about the death of my less-than-a-year-old hard drive, although that did nearly drive me over the edge (the fine people at Dell are sending a new one and can transfer the data, so it will be okay, thanks for asking).

No, the real shock yesterday came as I was talking with my sister, Princess #2, about Michael Jackson. She told me that his death had been confirmed, and that she heard it on...THE BILL O'REILLY SHOW. Yes, my sister watches Bill O'Reilly, and perhaps even - shudder - Fox "News". I am still sick to my stomach. I mean, I knew that one of my best friends watched Faux News, and I'm still in therapy for that, but my own sister? On top of the death of my beloved laptop and Michael Jackson, it's just more than I can take. (Where is that Chardonnay?)

The only thing one can do at these times is to hope, please god, that the children were not in the room.

Please do not judge my entire family because of this revelation. She wasn't raised this way. I just don't know what happened. We will have to deal with this in our own way, in our own time. Thank you for your healing thoughts and understanding.

Distracted by...the Death of Michael Jackson

2009-06-26T14:06:00.003-05:00

Remember when I asked "what the hell is going on?" Well, if the last 24 hours didn't prove that something in the universe is out of whack, nothing will. Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson died within about 24 hours. WTF? Ed and Farrah were ill and their passings were not entirely unexpected. But Michael Jackson?

I am very sad. Michael Jackson's music was a huge part of my life growing up, and he set the bar impossibly high for pop music entertainers. Perhaps that is why I do not really embrace current popular music. No one can hold a candle to people like Michael Jackson and Prince, who are truly musical geniuses. Even Madonna, who is a superstar and brilliant businesswoman, does not have that quality that set Michael Jackson apart from everyone else.

Everything Michael Jackson did was groundbreaking: the music, the choreography, the videos, the costumes, the staging - everything. Jackson's videos were films, with directors such as John Landis, and special effects that rivaled Hollywood blockbusters. A Michael Jackson video included people like Eddie Murphy, Iman, John Travolta, Magic Johnson, Steven Speilberg - it goes on and on.

It's almost too late for anyone else to have the kind of impact on the music industry that Michael Jackson had. He broke all the barriers, including racial barriers, and set the standard for entertainment. He advanced the art form more than anyone else of his generation. I fear we are too jaded to see an entertainer in the same light again.

His strangeness was part of the genius. We talk in my philosophy classes about this - the level of genius that gives a handful of human beings incredible gifts, but makes it nearly impossible for them to tolerate a "normal" existence, or to live in the world as a "normal" person. I hope he has found peace, and that his children are allowed to grieve privately and live a good life.

Distracted by...What the hell is going on?

2009-06-24T15:46:00.003-05:00

Is there something going on in the universe? Did some planets fall out of orbit of something? The last few days have been just crazy. It kind of started when my mother and her husband arrived for a visit. We waited for months and months to get her a new cell phone because we wanted to go together and make sure they got what they needed. We scoped it all out ahead of time and were assured there would be no problem getting the phone they wanted. Nope, it was out of stock at every AT&T store in the area. Hubby ordered it online and they promised it would be here before Mother her husband left. Nope. It came the day after they left. Hubby tried to change the shipping address, but they wouldn't do it. So I took it today to be shipped. US Post Office says it will "probably" be there by Friday (new deadline - really NEEDS to be there). I took that deal because it was only $7.60, and then Mother says she doesn't trust their crappy post office. I went back to the post office and an incredibly helpful, nice lady found the box and gave it back to me. I'm quite sure that was against the rules, but bless her heart! I took it to UPS, where for the low, low price of $26.90 (MORE THAN THE COST OF THE PHONE) they will guarantee delivery by Friday. Whatever. I think I could have bought the phone its own seat on a super-saver flight for that much.

The reason I went to the post office to begin with is because I had to get some very important, dated material out of a PO Box used by group I belong to. Seriously important - had to have it today. I tried the combination for the lock that was given to me by a very nice but flakey man who said he was "pretty sure" it was right. Couldn't get it open. Same nice lady tries to help me and decides to check the file and see if the combination is correct. Yeah, uh, NOT EVEN CLOSE. Not even the right number of digits! Thank god we were able to get Mr. Nice-but-Flakey on the phone and he gave her permission to give me the contents. Again, she could have said "so sorry, against the rules," but she didn't. Nice postal lady saves the day! I might bring her some flowers tomorrow.

The biggest headache we have is that Hubby's daughter borrowed his car last week, drove it through a giant lake that "didn't look that deep," and now the car is an enormous black fiberglass paperweight shaped like a Dodge Neon. It needs an entire new engine. Hopefully insurance will cover it (pray to the patron saint of State Farm).

There were other crazy things all week - power out, forgetting things (more than usual), distractions too numerous to count, and, above all, THE HEAT IS UNBEARABLE. Welcome to Wisconsin in the summer. The nice lady on the radio (I have a lot of contact with nice ladies) says it's 91 degrees, but that, my friends, is bullshit. My car's thermometer (which I'm sure is far more accurate than the National Weather Service) says 99 degrees and that is exactly how hot it feels. I raise my glass of Barefoot Chardonnay (yes, it's 4:15, what's your point?) to Willis Haviland Carrier, the man who invented air conditioning. God bless him and his progeny.

Distracted by...Feeding the Husband

2009-06-20T15:26:00.000-05:00

My husband is actually really easy to keep happy. He just wants a decent sandwich for lunch and meat and potatoes for dinner. (Well, and some other stuff, but this is a PG blog.) He's perfectly capable of making a sandwich, obviously, but I like to do it for him. Lately he's been announcing his hunger in a very dramatic fashion, by listing into the room, hand to forehead, falling onto the bed or sofa, and wailing, "Woe is me! Will NO ONE make me a sandwich?" It's pretty damn funny.

So here's the thing. He likes mayo - a ton of it - on his sandwich. In an effort to make him something slightly healthier, I bought the Kraft Mayo with Olive Oil. I hid it (right smack in the middle of the fridge, so there was no chance he would see it) and the first time I used it I didn't tell him. I just asked how the sandwich was, and he said "great!" Then I told him it was not his regular full-octane mayo, but the olive oil kind with half the fat and calories of regular mayo. He said it was good, and so with that official endorsement we just got a little healthier. Baby steps, people, baby steps.

Distracted by...Dust and Dirt

2009-06-19T14:26:00.000-05:00

For the record, the Distracted Housewife is not too distracted to keep a reasonably clean home. Today's modern conveniences make this much easier. No, I'm not talking about appliances (it's not 1943, for Pete's sake). I'm talking about the inventions that are so simple, yet so indispensable.

The Distracted Housewife whole-heartedly endorses:

All manner of Swiffer. This may be the greatest cleaning tool of the 21st century. And, no, the store brand knock-offs are not the same. I can clean my floors in 20 minutes and dust the entire house during commercial breaks. The Swiffer Duster also gets the award for being the only convenient and effective way to clean window blinds and ceiling fans.
The Mr. Clean Eraser. I don't know exactly how this works, and I don't care. It's amazing. You can "erase" soap scum off glass shower doors in minutes with no fumes or dripping, caustic chemicals. In this case, the Target brand knock-off does work just as well as the original.
Tarnex. It really does work like magic. Just dip silver jewelry in it, or wipe onto silver bowls and trays with a cotton ball, and rinse with water. Again, I don't know how it works, but it does.
Murphy's Oil Soap. The only safe way to clean wood, and it leave a wonderfully fresh, but not cloying, scent. You should never use anything but Murphy's to clean wood work, doors, cupboards or wood furniture. My friend the professional painter also recommends it for cleaning walls. All hail Murphy's Oil Soap.
Last, but not least, an endorsement from the Housewife's sister. Sister called to say that the Scrubbing Bubbles Mega Shower Foamer really works. It has a wider nozzle to cover more area, which makes a difference. I tried it, and she's right. Perfect for a fiberglass bathtub, which would take forever to clean with the Mr. Clean Eraser.

Distracted by...Cheap Vodka

2009-06-19T13:34:00.000-05:00

The Distracted Housewife is concerned about the economy just like everyone else and is always looking for new ways to save money. I usually buy fairly expensive vodka (Grey Goose or Stoli) because, you know, life is short. But I started to think, what if there's a less expensive vodka that I like just as well? So I bought about a dozen tiny bottles of vodka from good old Discount Liquor and did my own personal taste test.

Now, obviously you can't test all of them at once. That would be crazy, even for me. So I did a series of three tests, and then had a final round with the three top placers. You can do this at home, too! Here's how I did it:

All the vodka was served exactly the same way, and tasted in three versions (which is how I really drink it). The vodka was cold, straight out of the freezer, and I tasted it straight, with a lemon twist, and with lemon seltzer. I numbered the bottles and wrote corresponding numbers on cocktail napkins, turned upside down, under the glasses. I hid the bottles and then closed my eyes and moved all the glasses around until I had no idea which was which. I sipped each one, eating water crackers between tastes, and then wrote down my observations before looking to see which was which. The results were very surprising!

The winner was...Smirnoff! I was shocked. Smirnoff is about half the cost of Grey Goose, which came in a very close second. Third place when to Pearl Vodka out of Canada, which I had never heard of. It was very good. Fourth place went to the venerable Stolichnaya. The losers included Fleischmann's, which was completely disgusting and undrinkable (my mother used to buy that - Christ, it was awful) and Absolut, which really surprised me. I often order Absolut in bars if I'm having a mixed drink, but on its own and side-by-side with other vodkas it failed miserably.

In case you are wondering why I did this taste test alone (I DO have friends!) it's because I did not want to be influenced by anyone else's opinion, which could easily happen. You could have a bunch of people over and have a blast doing this, of course, but a vodka tasting is a lot different than a wine tasting and the Distracted Housewife does not advocate drinking and driving. :-)

Distracted by...Affairs

2009-06-19T12:31:00.000-05:00

Huge news in the paper this morning! I almost spit my coffee across the room as I read that our police chief admits to having an affair with...wait for it...uber-conservative Republican journalist Jessica McBride! I LOVE it when holier-than-thou "family values" Republican assholes get caught with their pants down (or skirts up, in this case).The article included excerpts from a love letter hand-written by Jessica, where she actually says "you completed me that night." BARF! In an interview on the radio, the reporter who broke the story said that most of the letter was un-printable because it was so graphic. Gross! The letter, and incriminating e-mails, were sent to the reporter by an anonymous informant. I'm dying to know who it was!

And as if that isn't bad enough, McBride's husband (who she also had an affair with) is a prominent local attorney and former politician. Wow. I mean, how do you go to work and out in public when everybody knows who you are and your wife's indiscretions are splashed across the front page of the paper. Sucks to be him right now.